Daily Road Rage Observations -or- What Your Car Tells Me About You
As I grow older I find myself constantly fighting against my inclinations and habits of “youth.” And not just my diet (you can take my pizza rolls from my cold dead hands!) No, what I mean is my conscious choice to be constructive instead of being destructive in my thoughts, criticisms, and opinions. It takes effort to apply reason, provide an alternative, and see another perspective.
. . . BUT, there are limits to what a person can tolerate when they are under a constant barrage of stressors. Slipping back into (amusing) destructive mode I need to unload a few thoughts.
See, I live in a kinda rural area of Maryland and I have a 30-ish mile commute to drop my son off at his school. The trip is a mix of country roads, interstate travel, and then business highway traffic. After which, I just make the drive in reverse order and get back to writing books that will never make me rich or famous. (Special note to ALL streaming services: I am a filthy, filthy whore and will sell you any (or all) of my IPs for relatively cheap.)
But back to the point. During these week-day commutes, my son learns a variety of new swear words. Well, more likely a creatively constructed and applied version of the swear words his mother blurts out when grading homework. See, my wife is a teacher and the things she says when grading kid’s homework? Wow. I was in the military for 20 years and even I wince at what she says when little Jimmy/Beth turn in their assignments.
So why am I swearing? Simple: there are A LOT of assholes on the road. Overly aggressive, lane drifting, tailgating, phone checking, rubbernecking, flow blocking, non-zippering fuck-knuckles who likely have married a fellow fuck-knuckle and will raise a clutch of knucklettes who too will be a plague on the road.
Now, bad behavior can come from anyone in any vehicle. That being said, I have noticed some trends based on certain vehicle types or brands. I will admit that since I have a fairly standard routine, leaving the house within a regular window of time. It is possible that I’m seeing the same drivers, thus making me a victim of confirmation bias. But . . . fuck it, who let’s science get in the way of their feelings!
So with that out of the way, below are a few of my favorite recent repeat offenders.
*Again, this is comedic catharsis, and my advanced apologies if you operate one of these vehicles. Unless you are one of the aforementioned fuck-knuckles. In which case, I hope you get a case of sonic diarrhea when next you drive.
The Lexus family of SUV’s - For those who think their taxes entitle them to more of the road.
Hey, Trip Vandersmyth III, We get it. you have money. But your mobile 401K has to obey the same rules as everyone else.
The BMW X4 & X6, the chunky-yet expensive-car/SUV mutant, is a perfect gift for your privileged child or wife to drift lanes while texting.
It never fails. There she is, and yes it is almost always a she. Some female, young or old does not matter, ripping down the interstate in one of these white vehicles to ride the bumper of the person in front. And 8/10 times, she is yelling into her phone which she holds like a slice of pizza instead of using Bluetooth. Is she too dumb to use Bluetooth?
The pumpkin spice of muscle cars.
Yup . . . I’ll just let that above statement speak for itself.
I know, I know. It looks like I’m just picking on expensive cars and equating them to being driven by rich pricks. And in truth, I kinda am. Like I said though, these humorous musings are based on my my observations during my commute. And with that being said, may I direct you to these two articles, both from February 2020
If you drive an expensive car you're probably a jerk, scientists say - CNN Click Here
and
New Study Says Expensive Cars Are Bought by Jerks Who Won't Yield - Car and Driver Click Here
So with that being said, let’s move on to some other of non-luxury favorites to avoid while driving.
The pristine pickup. Because unearned authority is only a car payment away.
This “hot take” is germane to the extended cab assholes who insist on taking their never-have-hauled-anything toys into more urban environments. I’m convinced these are purchased solely for the owner to watch the line of cars behind them scream in frustration while they back into parking spaces, thus eating up other people’s time. Double parking & sticking out too far in parking garages are added benefits. Oh, and a very special fuck you to all the limp-dick dudes (yes, almost always a guy) who ride the bumper of smaller cars in the attempt to instill fear and panic.
** special note: this criticism of pick-ups DOES NOT apply to the actual working trucks I see daily, especially in rural communities. Y’all are cool and my hats off to you and I thank you for the work you do.
The modded Subaru. Yes, we hear you go vroom vroom.
You’re adorable. But keep your matchbox car in your fucking lane. After all that added shit, I somehow doubt you can afford the accident you’re going to cause. Especially when there are two (or more) of you zigging and zagging through highway traffic because Vin Diesel and the Fast/Furious franchise gets you hard.
And last but not least . . .
YOU ARE NOT A CAR!
Look, I get it. Whether for going green, health, or whatever, biking is a thing. I too bike to supplement my exercise routine and have about 800 miles on my current bike. But, I don’t care what the propaganda says, you (we) are not entitled to the road. We are entitled to gravity, physics, and the result of conflicting weight ratio’s in a collision. Don’t be smug. Don’t be snarky. Be fucking mindful. Oh, and blowing through stop signs? Sigh . . . well, your puppy your mom told you that went to live upstate has missed you.
Why Arcane Succeeded Where Wheel of Time Struggled -or- Don’t You Just Love it When a Middle Aged-SWM Talks About Female-Led Stories?
A critique/review of Netflix's Arcane and Amazon's Wheel of Time. What worked and what didn't.
Put down those pitchforks and lower the torches please, I’m not here to talk shit . . . well, not exactly. But as the title suggests, this thought experiment will be covering Netflix’s Arcane and Amazon’s Wheel of Time, specifically focusing on their respective female-centric characters, through the lens of my own biases. So, apologies for a few paragraphs of self-indulgence and spoiler warning for both shows.
- My Personal Biases
I wasn’t a fan of the Wheel of Time books, not in the beginning. When The Eye of the World was published in January of 1990, I was a typical fantasy reading 14-year-old dork. I saw the Jordan books in the bookstores but ignored them. Mostly due to the cover art (I know, I know) despite my friends swearing that they were good. It wasn’t until mid-1998, two years into my Air Force career and stationed at a joint Air Force/Army detachment, that I started reading the series. My Army supervisor was reading book seven, A Crown of Swords, and offered to let me read book 1. I burned through all seven books in time for #8, The Path of Daggers. I was a fan ever since, both the highs and lows of the series.
Image from Esquire
See, it wasn’t the fantasy element that’d hooked me. It wasn’t the Tolkien rip-off (heavily) “inspired” elements of book one. And it wasn’t the classic Joseph Conrad Hero’s journey arc of Rand ‘al Thor. No, it was the multi-cultural, masculine/feminine dynamic of the story. That push/pull, yin and yang, which drove the story for me.
Many critics, professional and amateur, have praised/damned Jordan for either being progressive or doggedly sexist in his gender norms. I grew up firmly in the “battle of the sexes” era of child-rearing. Men were from Mars, girls were from Venus. Girls were sugar and spice while boys were frogs, snails, and puppy dog tails. It took time for me to deprogram myself from that rhetoric to really understand the impacts of nurture v. nature. But, years spent in martial arts taught me that a girl can kick you in the face, or the nuts, as well as any guy. Once you’ve been (metaphorically or literally) choked out by a better opponent, you don’t give a shit about what is/is not between the legs. You just wanna breathe.
But it was my time in the military that really shaped me. Over my 20 years of service, from age 20 to 40, I’d had the distinct pleasure of having led, and have been led by, amazing humans that were of every race, sexuality, gender identity, economic upbringings, religious affiliations, and several different nationalities. And during this time, I learned that our differences give us perspective, and our unity through diversity gives us the power to get the job done. And that is what the Wheel of Time books meant to me. When the characters from all over the world set their ideologies and dogmas aside: Shit. Got. Done.
When 4th wave feminism rolled out around 2012, we saw a growing change in our fiction. We saw a steady decline in the super-guy action dude trope. Underrepresented people were pushed into the spotlight. More female-led action shows/movies/video games/books gained attention. And I said: “Cool.” Because that was the world I already knew and believed in. Many “progressive” ideas were things I’d come to know as standard in the military. We were paid by our rank and time in service, not by our gender, while housing, healthcare, and hunger were covered by either financial allotments or on-base facilities.
Now, did I roll my eyes when some voices came off as pandering to look righteous online? You’re goddamn right I did. For I had known/worked beside/cherished far too many strong “minorities” who did the job some loudmouth--Left or Right--couldn’t or wouldn’t do. But I digress.
- Amazon’s Wheel of Time
Image from Forbes
I was excited for the Wheel of Time show while being naturally nervous. The book series is huge and has a rabid fan base. And when the first few eps dropped on Amazon Prime … man, I was pretty underwhelmed. As the show continued, it fell firmly in the “it’s fine” bracket of television. It had some high points and more than a few lows. But it never really had its own voice, seemingly a visual blend of Game of Thrones, Shannara, and The Witcher. Nothing unique. And that irked me.
When Rafe Judkins set out to adapt Wheel of Time, he had this quote in Polygon: “[…] there’s no way to bring a carbon copy of fantasy author Robert Jordan’s expansive world to screen.” He also added, “I feel a special burden laying me down, crushing me, of just wanting to deliver for this thing that I love, and my mom loves, and so many of the women in my family love.”
As I mentioned before, the initial arc of the Wheel of Time books was a textbook example of Joseph Conrad’s Hero With a Thousand Faces. Rand al’ Thor was the central character, the pastoral chosen one, and according to this WoT Fandom Page breakdown, the POV for 44 of the 53 chapters in Eye of the World. But the showrunners opted to remove focus from Rand and placed it firmly on the talented shoulders of Rosamund Pike’s Moiraine Damodred Sedai character, thus altering the fundamental flow of the story. But, that’s not a bad thing. By restructuring the format, the mystery of the Dragon Reborn allowed Moiraine to play detective. The show even altered the story so that the Dragon could be male/female and all five of the kids, Rand, Mat, Perrin, Egwene, and Nyneave, were ta’vereen, chosen ones, and potential Dragons. The show continued to make changes, adding scenes that weren’t in the book. Such scenes (which were actually my favorite parts of the show) included: Moiraine/Siuan’s love, Siuan’s backstory, The Warder encampment, the Warder funeral. They even opted not to open on Rand as the first kid from Emond’s Field, but rather Egwene and Nynaeve at Egwene’s hair braiding ceremony (also not in the book), where they delivered that banger line “To be a woman is to be always alone and never alone.”
But when you step back and look at it as a whole, that’s when the threads unravel and weave falls apart. The episodes loosely followed the plot of the book, running from spot to spot, dumping exposition, getting into/out of dangers, pausing only to let the new material (not book material) breathe. And by choosing to focus on Moiraine for the heavy lifting, with assistance from Madeleine Madden and Zoe Robbins’ Egwene and Nyneave respectively, the show has something of a feminist slant, possibly something to do with Mr. Judkins wanting to provide something the women of his family would love. And you know what? That was kinda cool. Sure I grumbled a bit. But from what the show was (seemingly) developing, I was hoping for a change in the narrative, something different from the books. But that didn’t happen, did it?
Cut-away edits were tricksy, like the bathtub scene which cut to Egwene after Lan asked who Moiraine thought the Dragon was. The amazing explosion-of-healing-power moment by Nyneave in the cave w/Logain (which made me eat my words in THIS post of mine) made me wonder if she could be the Dragon. Especially considering she was the only one of the five to kill a trolloc by herself on the night they invaded Emond’s Field. But no, at the end of the day, The Dragon Reborn was still Rand, the show’s least developed character. Ginger Pale, Sad-Boy McPouty Lips was the real chosen one. And frankly, that sucked. It sucked that the show used every storytelling technique to present the audience one thing, then pull the rug out from under you. And not in a “subversion of expectations” bullshit kind of way. In a way that hurt. JK Rowling feelings aside, imagine if the story of Hogwarts had been reframed to focus on Hermione doing her brainy thing, overcoming adversity, and defeating challenges, just to have Harry step up and be the chosen one? Stings, doesn’t it?
Image from Imgur
Side note: making Egwene and Nynaeve ta’vereen was a mistake. Full stop. In the books, these characters like the aforementioned Hermione didn’t need to be deemed worthy by some supernatural force. Both Egwene and Nynaeve achieved nigh-impossible feats by their own wit, guile, grit, and merit. Not because they were born special. Quite the opposite in fact.
And at the end of the show, when I looked back, I was left with the conclusion that the plot drove the characters, not the other way around. And that is the worst kind of storytelling. Plot happens and the WoT characters react. Rinse, repeat, and sigh. Just like the final seasons of Game of Thrones. And the changes made, while sometimes brilliant, felt bolted on and not integrated into what could have been a brilliant show. Maybe things will be better in WoT season 2? I do hope so. I haven’t given up, but my expectations have been lowered.
- Arcane on Netflix
Image from Netflix
After the success of WandaVision on Disney+, specifically the stellar performances by Elizabeth Olsen as the troubled and tortured titular Wanda/Scarlet Witch (my all-time favorite MCU character) and Teyonah Parris’ strength as Monica Rambeau, I was hoping for more quality, female-led fiction programs. I do have a soft spot for flawed-yet-enduring female characters which I try to showcase in my Hammer of Witches novels.
So when the nine episode animated Arcane came out of nowhere it blew me away with it’s visuals, storytelling, and social themes. Why? Simple, these near perfect characters, with their incredible connections, heart-breaking relationships, and difficult choices, drove/affected the plot. If you have not watched the show, I cannot recommend it enough. This is how storytelling should be.
Set in the video game League of Legends universe, Arcane is, at it’s core, the story of two sisters, Vi and Powder who love one another, but are torn apart physically and emotionally. Orphaned during a class-warfare revolt led by a man named Vander, Vi and Powder are then adopted by said Vander, who throws down his weapons and chooses to focus on protecting, not destroying. But the wake of Vander’s revolt, the villain Silko was created. Raised in the slums of Piltover, Vi and Powder do what they must to survive. And those actions have consequences. While in the erudite district of Piltover, a young scientist named Jayce, pushes for his advancements in magic and technology to help society. But, are these advancements for all, or just those with money/power? Denied his chance and stripped of his title, Jayce stands over a figurative and literal precipice, wondering if jumping is the best solution. A helping hand at a moment of personal low is all that spares Jayce’s life.
Vander does his best to maintain the tenuous peace between the two sides of Piltover, but Silko is waiting in the shadows to usurp his one-time friend and rule the under city through fear, power, and drugs. During the emotionally-fueled confrontation at the end of the first arc, the might Vander falls, Vi blames her sister, and Silko embraces the now emotionally/mentally broken Powder.
Moving into the second arc, the show then jumps a few years. Powder, now Jinx, is an unhinged-if-brilliant mechanical/chemical engineer and Silko’s daughter. Vi is a convict, released by the unerringly upbeat police marksman Caitlyn in order to track down the ones responsible for a series of heists. Although agreeing to help, the physically powerful Vi is still a broken girl who only wants her sister back. Vi will go through anyone to get to Powder. But, is Jinx still Powder? Jayce has become the herald of the new age, thanks in part by his partner Viktor, and the ever-plotting councilwoman Mel Medarda. Silko, now troubled with the burden of knowledge, comes to understand the late Vander’s ideals, that keeping the peace is its own kind of war. I dare you to watch this scene, even out of context, and not want more. (turn the music up!)
Season one culminates in the third arc, where conflict between all the cast members comes to a head in all its cinematic yet heart-breaking glory. And I cannot wait for season 2.
- Conclusion
Both shows, Wheel of Time and Arcane, have incredible representation and diverse peoples. Both shine a light on inequality, exploring what those with less are willing to do, while those with more fight to maintain control. Both shows reportedly had a writer’s room with unique voices and people. So why did I herald one’s brilliance while bemoaning another for floundering to find itself? Because one (accidentally or brilliantly) focused on telling a unique story that for me, allowed the characters to be flawed, beautiful, broken, kind, and cruel. Said characters created/drove the plot of their respective show. The other show, to me, seemingly aped the CW’s style of brooding drama and non-romantic romance while the plot moved unerringly onward, regardless of choices made. It reached for greatness, gained notoriety, but fell into middling popcorn entertainment. I’ll let you figure out which was which.
As with all my critiques/reviews, let me caveat the above with this: don’t let me yuck your yum. If you loved Wheel of Time, then great! Don’t let some asshole on the internet tell you differently. Love what you love.
Special kudos to WoT’s attempt to create his own “Toss a Coin To Your Witcher” song. Hope they sold a few downloads with Thom Merrilin’s “The Man Who Can’t Forget.”
Defending Characters We’re Told to Hate -Or- Were Gaston and John Walker Really That Bad?
Anyone who knows me and/or my books knows that I do love me some villains and antagonists. They are, after all, the most important part of traditional storytelling. Sure, heroes are who people cheer for. But for the bulk of storytelling, it’s the villains who set the stage, move the plot, and create the tension. The right villain makes the heroic victory, or heroic sacrifice, all the sweeter. And without the villains, all those purported “heroes” would just be standing around the farm, living in the Shire, swimming under the sea, or looking for power converters at Tosche Station with metaphorical thumbs in their butts.
Trust me, all the destiny in the universe can’t cure thumb-butt.
However, I will not stand by and allow the good name of villain be besmirched by pretenders to the title. I refuse to blindly boo and gnash my teeth at someone who is presented as “Here’s your villain! Hate them!”
So, with my tongue firmly in my cheek, I will attempt to exonerate two such “bad guys.” John Walker, the New Captain America/US Agent from Falcon and the Winter Soldier, and Gaston from Beauty and the Beast.
First up, John Walker
Image from Disney/MCU
So, remember at the end of Falcon And The Winter Soldier ep 1 when John Walker was introduced? When Sam, and we the viewers, saw that knock-off standing there and smugly smiling at the camera, holding Steve Rodgers’ shield? Remember? Yeah you do. And you know for damn sure the internet remembers.
Even I wasn’t immune to that punchable face, just smirking at me. I couldn’t wait to hate that guy. But then from ep 2 onward, I felt … regret for my initial reaction. Remorse.
The show, and the internet, went to great lengths to paint MCU John Walker as a villainous tool. But was he? The Wrap referred to John Walker as the “Toxic Masculinity Captain America” and an “Incel.” According to Epic Stream, the actor Wyatt Russell purportedly got death threats for his character, and was referred to as “{…} one of the most despised villains in the franchise.”
Despised? Really? Why? What did he do besides having the audacity of NOT being Steve Rodgers? Did he deserve the acrimony? Let’s see. He
Was given the shield that we the audience believed should (and knew eventually would) end up in Sam Wilson’s hands.
He admitted to his wife/best friend that he wasn’t sure he was good enough.
Expressed humility on Good Morning America by flat-out saying that while he was not Steve, he would do his best.
Showed up to help Sam/Bucky on the trucks and then admitted that he wasn’t who Sam thought should have the shield.
Asked for Sam/Bucky’s help multiple times. (FYI: referring to someone in the military as a wingman, especially in Air Force culture, is NOT an insult. It is the person you literally trust to have your 6 when things go Tango Uniform. Something Sam, an Air Force vet and later contractor, should have known. And frankly, the writers should have known that as well.)
Bailed them out of trouble in Baltimore.
Refused to be called a hero for his Medals of Honor because of the cost to human life it took to get them, referring to it as “the worst day of my life.”
Got his ass beat by the Dora Milaje for plot reasons and laughed at by Sam/Bucky.
And frankly, just did his best despite clearly having CTE (note how he was always touching his head as if in pain, or shaking his head to “clear the cobwebs.”) This man’s government trained him and said “Go forth.” He did, and was punished for it. They turned their back on him. Did he go evil? No. When he came for revenge against Karly, he instead dropped his shield and saved the busload of people. The people that Karly, our propped-up-by-plot pandering rebellion leader, was actively trying to kill. You know … like a sociopathic murderer.
Yeah yeah yeah, I know: He *finger quotes* killed a guy by bashing him to death with the shield. C’mon, who hasn’t? We’ve all played some kind of RPG. Besides, Walker was fighting a wanted criminal who was, despite said criminal’s speech in that episode to make him empathetic, part of a group that was trying to kill him in addition to being culpable in the multiple murders committed by Flag Shamshers leader, Karli Morgenthau. And after the shield bash, in the next ep, Walker was emotionally wrecked. Just like sad-sack Bucky had been the entire season. Just like every rational, redeemable person would be.
But ya know who’s never showed an ounce of remorse for the people he’s whacked? MCU’s Sam Wilson. That dude killed several dudes in the first episode alone by kicking them out of helicopters, blowing up the helicopters, or dropping them to their deaths over those canyons. And he did it with quips and without an ounce of remorse. But he’s the “hero,” right? So he gets a pass, I guess.
Sorry internet, you lose. Walker was never a villain. He was just a guy you were told to hate and you did. Because that’s what sheep do. They follow the commands of any barking dog. :)
Image from Disney
Now, onto a tougher challenge--defending good ol’ Gaston from Beauty and the Beast. Woof. Okay, let’s give this a shot. Ahem. *affects a comically bad southern drawl*
Your honor, I’m not a big city lawyer. I’m just a country boy from a small county, which one we might call a province. And our “provincial life” is a little slower, sure. But we have good people, with good hearts, who are full of pride in their community. And you know who hates people like us? Belle. How did she refer to people like us in her famous song? “Little town full of little people?” Well, politely fuck you very much, Ms. Belle.
Now fair being fair, the townsfolk of 1700’s Villeneuve, France did despise Belle so much that they secretly choreographed an entire song and dance number to express how much of a stuck-up b-word they thought Belle to be.
So anyway, your honor, Belle makes it clear she wants more than a provincial life. And like all “Disney Princesses,” she is meant for more than being an object of beauty. She wants, and deserves, agency, adventure, and to be in charge of her own destiny. In fact, she tells the bookseller that her favorite book had far-off places, daring sword fights, magic spells, and … a prince in disguise?
Wait, what? I’m sure that’s nothing. Romance is natural for young folk, after all. But a few lines later she says that her favorite part of the book was when the heroine meets Prince Charming. Oh, no, say it isn’t so! Prince fucking Charming? If we skip to the end, we see Ms. Belle hook up with a guy with money and become a princess in a castle, with all the traditional, anti-feminist feminist trappings that go with it. Seems like Belle didn’t want to leave the provincial life; she wanted to be a white woman of privilege.
Go get her, hard left-leaning Twitter. I’ll wait.
Now now, I’m sure the defense is thinking that I’m just badgering the witness. That I’m spitefully nit-picking, straw manning, gaslighting, and looking for holes to tear Belle down to exonerate my client, Mr. Gaston. And they’d be right.
I’m of course being obtuse and hyperbolic. It’s clear to anyone who’s seen the movie that Belle is more than a few out-of-context lines and a victim of Stockholm Syndrome. We’re meant to look past those things about her and see that there is something deeper to her. That the country life and repetitive nature of that time and place was trapping her.
We’re to understand that the depths of Belle’s being and the quality of her character allows her to see that Beast is more than the self-absorbed douchebag whose actions and vile core cursed not only him, but also the lives of his servants to an existence of cutlery, crockery, furniture, and at least one who had to have been a toilet. Through patience and understanding Beast is capable of learning from his mistakes, seeing his prideful ways, and come out a better person with the help of the right guide. Hell, I’d like to spend time with that shaggy bastard myself.
But what happens when we apply that line of thinking to my defendant, Mr. Gaston? Well, the movie doesn’t want you to do that. Why? Because Disney Writer Linda Woolverton wrote Belle to be liberated and reportedly redesigned the new character of Gaston to resemble her own ex-boyfriends: the epitome of toxic masculinity. An arrogant, brash, self-absorbed braggart who sees others as objects.
You know … just like Beast in first half of the movie. But unlike Beast, the defendant, Mr. Gaston, doesn’t get plot time to step out of the stereotype. He’s saddled with being the hyper-macho prick who selects Belle to woo because she’s the prettiest girl in the village.
But what if he wasn’t? I know, I know, your honor; that’s hogwash. But we do live in an era of revisionist history, where movies like Maleficent and Cruella exist to paint the villain in a new light despite the intent of the original creator (or the desire to skin and wear puppies as a coat.) We already learned that Gaston was not an original character and that Belle’s sisters were the ones who screwed her over in the classic fairy tale. C’mon Disney +, where’s Gaston’s redemption prequel movie?
So let’s examine the clues in the movies and piece together a plausible story. Perhaps Gaston sees something special in Belle that he doesn’t see in others. Not as a hunter’s challenge, but as something more? What if all the bravado is an act? The three blondes in the bar clearly wanna do some nasty, PornHub-premium-level sinning with Gaston. But he rejects them. Why? He’s a caricature, after all. Is there any reason that a walking mountain of Klingon testosterone would reject three thirsty hot blondes?
Image from Disney
Well, that’s easy. My defendant, Mr. Gaston, likes the girl who likes books. But he doesn’t know how to say that.
Gaston reaches out to Belle--blustering, of course. Because all he knows is what that society has taught him. Yet he does it anyway. Bucking tradition of seeing the father first, he proposes and is promptly rejected. Naturally, he is upset. Because perhaps Gaston was seeking to step out of his assigned societal role and was seeking a kindred soul. Someone who will see him not as how the village sees him, but for who he is. That’s almost romantic, isn’t it? Remember the song and dance number? This town hates Belle. Yet Gaston refuses to bend to popular opinion and grows to care for Belle, the misfit of Villeneuve and daughter of crazy old Maurice. If anyone could understand being more than what people see, it would be her. But that’s not in the script for Gaston.
Belle refuses to use that depth of personal character that she uses to see the real Beast in order to see Gaston as more than the stereotypical douche. And that’s fine. That’s the story. Just like in real life, no person is ever obligated to reciprocate the feelings of another.
So yeah, at the end of the day I can’t really defend my client’s actions. Regardless of what could have been, Mr. Gaston chose to be a jealous, scornful asshole who even tried to emotionally blackmail a distraught young woman into marrying him or else send her father to a mental institution. But the question is, would he have been such a prick if someone, anyone, took the time to try and know the person and not the package? If recent shows like 13 Reasons Why have taught us anything, then being cognizant of our actions, or inactions, towards others could save lives.
Alas, Gaston will likely always be seen as a villain. An oddly beloved one at that.
So the defense rests. 1 for 2 in defending a couple of villains. But let me leave the jury with this: when it comes to our media villains, just like people in real life, we need to not simply accept what we’re presented. We need to be better. We need to ask questions. Imagine a world where we give others the same benefit of the doubt that we think we’re owed. Imagine the pain and loss that could be avoided if we take the time to listen to others and understand them as people instead of assuming their nature.
Just a thought at the end of a silly blog that tried to apply humor to a couple of Disney “villains.”
When White Women Explode -Or- Questioning Sci-Fi Fantasy Standards
We marvel at the moments when women in sci-Fi/fantasy explode into incredible power because they’re freaking awesome to behold. Super powerful, super cool, and plain old badass. But, are they inherently sexist, or even a touch racist?
There she is. A heroine of a sci-fi/fantasy show or movie. Beaten. Pushed to the edge. Her enemies bearing down on her. A lifetime of being told that she had to repress her incredible power. To be subservient. To be meek. Weak. In control. No more. Not now. When these forces of Hell come at her, she throws her arms wide, throws back her head, and releases all the cosmic, reality-altering power that they never wanted her to have. Boom.
Pretty cool, right? Or . . . is it sexist? Or even racist?
Lemme preface this with: I have no conclusions, hot takes, or hard-line stances with this mini-essay. Just something I’ve been thinking about and wanted to jot down.
In my latest Hammer of Witches novel, She Wakes in Water, I wrote a scene when my protagonist, Aggy Grae, is pushed to her breaking point. For Aggy, it was a place no person should ever be forced to reach. But that’s what writers do . . . treat their characters like red-headed stepchildren. So anyway, when Aggy reaches this moment in the book, she *spoilers* explodes in a moment of fiery power that I had been building towards. It is an intense, heartbreaking scene. But when I step back and look at what I wrote, and what was subsequently published, I wonder if I did right by the character. But I’ll get back to that in a moment.
Watching a lot of movies/TV, and being a writer (note: I never said a good writer), one can’t help picking apart the plot, acts, characters, motivations, etc. It’s a sickness. Like your one musician friend who tears apart band/artists you like because that’s “not real music.” Aren’t they always kind of a prick? Stop bringing your guitar to parties!
Image from Pinterest/Stringjoy.com
Anyway, in addition to story structure, certain repeating themes and elements become visible when you consume a lot of media. This brings me to the point. After watching WandaVision, I thought, “Wow, Wanda is so damn cool! I love her. But man . . . white women really like to explode with power in sci-fi and fantasy, don’t they?” I then ran down a quick mental checklist.
The Scarlet Witch? Check. Explodes with grief/power in WandaVision and Avengers: Age of Ultron.
Jean Grey? Oh yeah. Whether it’s Famke Janssen or Sophie Turner, the X-verse loves to ape the Dark Phoenix and all the destructive, cataclysmic power that character can unleash.
Captain Marvel? Yup yup. The entire shtick of that flick was about holding her down and repressing her power.
Wonder Woman? Well, kinda. In the first one after Captain America dies in the plane … oops, I mean when Steve Trevor bites it in a totally unique death scene, ol’ Gal G. goes into a blind CGI roid rage, smashing everything around her.
The White Violin? Well, yeah. Vanya in The Umbrella Academy season 1 has that moment when she kinda kills the world with her display of cosmic-like power when she breaks the moon. *Please note that I am fully aware of who Elliot Page is, and refer only to the female character he played at the time.*
Oh, how about Bloom from Fate A Winx Saga? Oh my. She goes so super saiyan that she actually grows fairy fire wings while scorching the baddies with her untapped potential.
Princess Ciri in The Witcher? What? I can’t hear you over that kid’s landscape-leveling murder scream!
Images from Netflix, MCU/Disney, FOX/Disney, WB/DC
We marvel at these moments because, well, they’re freaking awesome to behold. Enough anime and animation have taught us that “going into your final form” is super powerful, super cool, and plain old badass. But these examples of female power displays got me thinking . . . are they inherently sexist? I’m not saying that they are, but follow me on this for a second.
The setup isn’t always the same, but typically, a patriarchal, oppressive authority figure seeks to control these women for the sake of innocents, normally suppressing either power or knowledge. Said authority figure postulates that, under the guise of public safety, the potential power these women hold is too great for their fragile psyches and thus must be controlled, curtailed, and diminished. See the exploits of Professor X (Stewart and McAvoy), Sir Reginald Hargreeves, Tony Stark, or Yon-Rogg for examples.
But as all the stories go, these characters inevitably break free and cut loose, normally because of emotional stress/torture, or simply being sick of putting up with people’s shit. These moments are framed to be a “breaking free of control” moment, and why shouldn’t they be? But do they actually (or accidentally) reinforce the historically negative stereotype of female hysteria/hysterical behavior they are meant to overturn? In some of these instances, people do get hurt, and not just the bad guys. In Wanda’s case, just ask the oppressed and mentally tortured people of Westview, New Jersey. And you don’t think that there were innocents on those ships Captain Marvel destroyed? #JusticeforKreeCafeteriaWorkers
Or, is this a chicken-egg scenario, where said females cut loose only because people sought to repress or control them? But said people also saw what they were capable of and repressed them in order to prevent collateral damage. But, then--oh fuck it, my head hurts now.
Setting that debate aside for the moment, I next wondered: why are only the white women exploding? Are female superheroes/powerful protagonists of color not allowed to go big badda-boom? Maybe there are and I’m forgetting, but I honestly don’t recall women of color going nuclear in the triple-A movies/shows.
Will Monica Rambeau release a wave of power as Spectrum/Photon that flattens friend and foe alike? Is Valkyrie authorized to let loose a 30-megaton blast of Asgardian whoop-ass? Will Allison “Rumor” Hargreeves yell so loud that her power dominates a state? Or maybe we’ll see Aisha cast her fairy water magic at tsunami-like levels. Hell, even Storm in the X-Men flicks, who is basically a walking goddess, only unleashes her fury in controlled, measured bursts. Speaking of X-Men, when Disney MCU finally gives us mutants, will we see beloved mallrat and Asian sensation Jubilee go thermonuclear when her back’s up against the wall? I mean, the closest I can think of is when The Witcher’s Yennefer of Vengerberg, played by Indian actress Anya Chalotra, unleashed an inferno on those ugly-armored Nilfgaardian troops. But then again, even she only did so because she was prompted by her mentor Tissaia. Meanwhile, pale-as-powdered milk Ciri gets to scream whenever she wants to and unleash devastation.
Images from Netflix, MCU/Disney, Fox/Disney
Why? Why can’t these women “explode”? Is it racist that they don’t get to do it as often as their white counterparts? Is it because creative minds fear painting the already marginalized minorities as erratic and potentially dangerous? And if that’s the case, then why do it for white women? Because like I’ve pointed out, not every phoenix moment is a good one. Sometimes innocents get hurt.
Outside of Thor in Thor: Ragnarok, I couldn’t really think of a male hero in recent memory that exploded like that. And even when Thor did, he didn’t beat Hela. He barely scratched her. His explosion of electrical was backed up by Led Zepplin’s Immigrant’s Song, and we gave it thunderous applause. Superman and Hulk do a lot of collateral damage, but no one really questions them the same way, do they?
Image from MCU/Disney
When I wrote my female-led, urban fantasy/paranormal Hammer of Witches novels, I did it because I liked a tertiary character from my Technomancer books so much, I wanted to tell her backstory. Aside from the magic and monsters, I wanted to tell a story about a woman who, due to her height, build, and mixed ethnicity, never felt like she fit in. I based Aggy Grae, physically, on several women I served with while in the Air Force who, despite feeling like pariahs, persisted, persevered, and excelled. They had great strength, and I wanted to shine a spotlight on that strength while peppering in human issues that transcend gender. And like I said earlier, in the second book, she has an explosion moment, one that I felt that the character, and the story, earned.
And frankly, I like seeing women cut loose as much as any typical male character. For me, if a character, regardless of gender identity, is well-written and propels the drama, and a display of power makes sense for the story, then go for it!
I guess I’ve written all this word-vomit because I question myself. Am I okay with these moments because that’s what I believe, or what I was inadvertently taught? In this modern age, it seems like everything is questioned, and maybe it should be. I’ve always believed in self-reflection in order to reassess core values as well as day-to-day outlooks. So, should a guy like me even touch subjects like these in his works, or should every creator work hard on trying to tell a good story while simply being conscious of the choices?
Image from Meme Maker
Anyway, as I said in the beginning, there is no conclusion to this rambling think-piece. Just something I’ve noticed and spent some time pondering. What are your thoughts?
As always, Live Long and Strong (and explode as necessary!)
~Gibby
Is Loki Responsible for Dwarf Cannibalism? -Or- Poking Fun at MCU Continuity
Did Loki’s negligence force Eitri the Dwarven weapon maker on Nidavellir to resort to cannibalism in order to survive?
Ah, the MCU. The current gold standard for movie & TV HAH-style storytelling (Humor, Action, Heart). Whether you love or hate the MCU, you have to give credit where credit is due. Across twenty-three released movies, a TV show, and with so much more to come, Executive Producer Kevin Feige clearly has a vision. And focusing that vision with sixteen different directors (and even more writers) into a cogent, beloved universe is nothing short of herculean.
Except you Agents of SHIELD. Apparently, you’re the red-headed stepchild no one loves. Trust me . . . I understand.
Images from ABC and UntappedDespite the (likely?) small army of continuity directors the MCU employs, films are slaves to the editing process, and mistakes are made. As such, certain errors pop up, no matter how hard you try. I’m sure you’ve seen website articles exploring these oversights in plot-logic. And it’s one of these “mistakes” that had a buddy and me laughing the more we explored. So I give you a theory: Did Loki’s negligence force Eitri the Dwarven weapon maker on Nidavellir to resort to cannibalism in order to survive? Here’s the evidence:
We meet Eitri on Nidavellir in 2018’s Avengers Infinity War. He claimed 300 Dwarves lived on that space station, that Thanos forced him to make a gauntlet for the Infinity Stones, and that Asgard had abandoned them (the Dwarves.)
Image from Marvel
Ahh, but what else do we know?
Odin had, what we thought, was the Infinity Gauntlet in 2011’s Thor
Image from Insider.com
But we learned that it was “fake” in 2017’s Thor: Ragnarok.
Image from Marvel
In 2018’s Avengers Infinity War, Thor claimed to be 1500. But he didn’t know about his sister. So, Odin’s desire to wield the Infinity Gauntlet likely led to a prototype created over 1500 years earlier, which is why Hela knew the one in the vault was fake.
Image from Marvel
Wait, so how does this get us to Dwarf eating dwarf? Don’t worry, we’re getting there
At the end of 2013’s Thor The Dark World, Loki has assumed the mantle of Asgard’s king disguised as Odin.
Image from Collider
Thor then runs off and has adventures, including 2015’s Avengers Age of Ultron.
Image from Marvel
In the Age of Ultron post-credits stinger, we see Thanos say “Fine, I’ll do it myself,” and grabs the Infinity Gauntlet. So, by 2015, Thanos has the Infinity Gauntlet.
Image from Marvel
Thor reports Asgard in 2017’s Thor: Ragnarok that the nine realms are in chaos. Since Loki has been pleasuring himself with plays starring Matt Damon and building statues, it’s no wonder why. Shortly thereafter, Asgard is destroyed.
Image from Marvel
So this brings us back to 2018’s Avengers Infinity War where we meet Eitri the Dwarf. And like we said earlier, Thanos had come to Nidavellir and bid Eitri make a gauntlet powerful enough to wield the Infinity Stones.
But Eitri never said when Thanos requested the gauntlet be made?
Image from Marvel
And the answer, based on the MCU presented timeline, is likely Thanos came to Eitri between Loki taking control of Asgard (2013) and Age of Ultron (2015) where we see Thanos with the gauntlet. Eitri likely just used the mold he made for the fake prototype 1500+ earlier. For his efforts, Thanos spared Eitri, but took his hands.
So for anywhere between 2013 (Thor 2) and 2018 (Infinity War) Eitri was alone. I’m sure he rationed the space station’s food for as long as he could. But with no supplies coming in from Asgard, well . . . after a while, hunger takes over. 300 dwarves, but no bodies? Yet, aside from his hands, Eitri seems to be doing … okay? Even … well-fed?
So yes, our beloved God of Mischief piss-poor leadership likely resulted in poor Eitri resorting to eating his dead kin like my redneck family at an all-you-can-eat buffet. No silverware and face first.
Image from Vice
Can’t wait for that to be explored in Loki’s Disney Plus show, or that animated What If? (Maybe a second season bonus?)
Excelsior!
Did Quarantine Madness Make Me Like Fate The Winx Saga? -Or- Ranking Fantasy TV Can Be Fun
A tremendous amount of incredible world-building was done in the season’s six episodes. That in itself will bring me back for a season 2. - So when thinking about this show, and the litany of fantasy TV on right now, I decided to rank/micro-review the shows I’ve binged during the quarantine.
So as COVID quarantine reaches the year mark, I’m convinced of two things: sweatpants are the missing part of my life (sorry my one and only son), and that there is so much content on streaming services that I can’t tell what’s good anymore. I’ve gone through so much of it, I’m numb and jaded.
It’s kinda like excessive masturbation and/or porn. You consume too much that the “normal” stuff doesn’t do it for you anymore. A critique I’ve ascribed to people who leave extra-crappy reviews of my books. One quick Goodreads check of how much said reviewer consumes of a certain genre later and I’m convinced they have the literary equivalent of crotch-callouses. But anyway . . .
Image from IMDB
So knowing nothing about it, I recently watched Fate The Winx Saga on Netflix. And to be honest I watched 10 minutes of the first ep, met the main character, and turned it off saying “nope.” But a buddy of mine told me to give it a second chance. Sigh. Well, I made a NY resolution to be less critical, so why not? Lord knows I don’t want to be accused of acting like the crotch-calloused angry reviewers of my books who gave up early and never got to the actual characters or story. So since I love the fantasy genre, a Winx’ing I went. And I’m glad I did.
Fate The Winx Saga is freaking ridiculous. But a fun ride nonetheless. It lifts from so many other properties you can literally separate the vertical slices and see the borrowed story architecture.
Academy for magic beings - Harry Potter, Worst Witch, X-Men, Umbrella Academy, etc.
Non-Magical warriors who protect Fairies - Warders from Wheel of Time/Aes Sedai
Elemental powers based on region - Avatar The Last Airbender/Pokemon
A chosen one who doesn’t know who/how powerful they are - literally every 3rd book, movie, or TV show
A teaching staff hiding a dark secret - See above
In spite of these criticisms, I loved the show. But it had nothing to do with the main character. Bloom, the fire fairy (God I feel dumb saying that), was my least favorite part of the show. It was her friends, Aisha, Terra, and Musa that made it for me. Even Headmistresses Dowling, who had a draconian-yet-maternal nature, enhanced the show. Maybe it’s that everyone except Bloom had an English accent, thus making her seem like a whining dimwit? (British people are better than us.) Even Stella, the rich byotch-turned-ally of the show was a better character in my opinion. No fault of the actress, Abigail Cowen of Sabrina fame, it was just that the character that was written to be an angsty, darkly-troubled, audience surrogate.
“I’m so different, but angry, but unique, but…wait, am i repeating myself? Meh. I go full phoenix!
Image from Netflix - quote made up by me :)
While I don’t consider myself to be a great writer, it doesn’t take a great one to spot bad story structure. So, when you make your MC a hard pill to swallow, but use them as the window for the audience, you run the risk of losing the audience. What really hooked me, and kept me watching, was the tremendous amount of incredible world-building that was done in the season’s six episodes. That in itself will bring me back for a season 2.
So when thinking about this show, and the litany of fantasy TV on right now, I decided to rank/micro-review the shows I’ve binged during the quarantine.
Note: this is not an all-inclusive list. I’m limiting myself to “recent” releases and/or things I’ve watched (re-watched) during the COVID quarantine. So no Game of Thrones, Supernatural, or anything like that. As well, the following list is based on my enjoyment, and not overall quality, production, or critical acclaim. So without further ado, here we go. I’ve broken them into the bottom five, middle eight, and the top ten.
The Bottom Five!
The first 5 minutes were solid and weird. The rest was a waste of decent comic source material. No S2 for this very generic Urban Fantasy show that forgot to make characters worth knowing.
Image from IMDB
I’m told the anime-style comic was about an early crusade pagan warrior Aurelia, turned Templar. Wish we had gotten that story instead of the Beautifully-Shot But Boring Adventures of Snarky Khaleesie Granger. Shout out to Toya Turner as Shotgun Mary, who was one of the few bright stars in this “show.”
Image from IMDB
Cursed was…okay? Reframing Arthurian myths through a feminist lens isn’t new. But I think they tried to cram in too much too soon and the result was a Nimue who was never fully realized. If you think that’s harsh, check out The Guardian’s review on metacritic. Woof.
Image from IMDB
Well, I applaud the BBC’s Sherlock team for the attempt. It was interesting, but I couldn’t tell if Drac was supposed to be scary or an 80s gameshow host and/or weatherman. The Van Helsing angle was kinda cool
Image from IMDB
What?! L&K in the bottom five? Yeah. The comic by Joe Hill was amazing. This show was a tonal mess that didn’t know if it was horror, teen drama, or dark whimsy. Some cool elements, but ultimately a binge-and-forget show.
Image from IMDB
The Middle Eight!
Holy crap! Scary murder-mermaids? Yes! If you have Hulu, check this one out. Little predictable, but a solid show about an underappreciated myth.
Image from IMDB
This show is dumb. Full stop. But, it knows it’s dumb. So when you have a self-aware show where the magic academy of witches is in a war with werewolves, you get 2 seasons of fun. Vapid characters and all!
Image from Netflix
This R-rated animated show was a solid “original” Greek Myth. While not as good as its Castlevania cousin, Blood of Zeus reframes the villain in amazing ways. The end felt a little rushed, but I hope for a 2nd season.
Image from IMDB
Oh Magicians. High highs and LOW lows. But, I can’t quit you. If you’ve made it as far as S5, then you know what you’re in for. And for me, it is Elliot and Margo. Their arcs, and loves, is why I will always have a special place in my heart for Magicians.
Image from Amazon
This is going to sound negative, but I’m glad the show is over. S1 and 2 were great. 3 was…okay. 4 was about Cthulhu-like eldritch beings, but never went hard on the subject. (The team defeats a monster an ep.) That’s a long way from the Satanic Riverdale murder show it started as. Nonetheless, a solid end to a solid show
Image from IMDB
Canceled by Fox, Saved by Netflix. Lucifer is what it is, a devilishly fun (sorry) vehicle for a Tom Ellis to ham it up. I wish I liked Chloe better, but the Devil and the Detective always entertains.
Image from Amazon
Did you skip this because you thought it was video game/anime fighting? It is…but isn’t. This is a story about loss, broken characters, each dealing with the fear/reality of being alone. Yeah, weren’t expecting that, were you? Plus…anime monster fights. :)
Image from The verge
You don’t need to be a huge fan of Stephen King to enjoy this twisted tale of creeping horror in Maine. The characters are great, the setting is practical, and the dread is real. Massive shout out to veteran King actors coming back to add to this Hulu original.
Image from IMDB
The Top Ten!!
Fate The Winx Saga. I already gave my thoughts. Loved these ladies, their story, and look forward to more.
Image from IMDB
This one was rough to rank. #9 and #8 are almost interchangeable. But, The Umbrella Academy is a solid show, with interesting characters. Massive shout-out to Klauss! If only S1 hand’t been a Dark Phoenix retelling it mighta been bumped up.
Image from IMDB
Doom Patrol is a “superhero” show about broken people. But as a family, they hold their broken parts together. The show embraces it’s “insanity” and just goes for it. I respect that. The musical number in the Danny the Street ep always makes me misty. Super props to the cast, especially Matt Bomer as Larry Trainor and Diane Guerrero as Crazy Jane.
Image from IMDB
No the show isn’t over yet (as of writing this, 1 ep remains). But a character study about a woman suffering tremendous loss/mental struggles backdropped against TV sitcoms was an incredible gamble by the MCU. And for me, it worked.
Image from IMDB
This animated masterpiece is everything I didn’t know I wanted. Reframing the DCU as an R-rated comedy that explores love, self-identity, and the need for family resulted in something I want more of now! As Kite-Man says, Hell Yeah!
Image from Amazon
This one is contentious, as some people love the book so much they can’t get behind the show. I’m not one of them. This show is pure beauty. Flaws, wrinkles, and all. At least S1 and S2 were. Haven’t seen S3 yet, and Orlando Jones Mr. nancy will be missed.
Image from IMDB
This is not just a kid’s cartoon. It’s a gateway to imagination that you should watch with your kids, or if you’re a kid at heart. The adventures, losses, wins, and bonds between Callum, Rayla, and Ezran will linger in your heart. Shout out to the animation team for making this fantasy piece so stunning to watch.
Image from IMDB
What can I say that hasn’t been said? The Witcher, its cast, music, style, imagery, and non-sequential storytelling is in a class by itself.
Image from IMDB
Over the top. Vulgar. Gory. Excessive.
Yup.
This deconstruction of superheroes was a groundbreaking comic and a profanity-laden breath of “fresh air” we all needed.
Image from IMDB
The Victorian blend of the mythical with the very real issues of race, oppression, class warfare, and immigrants/refugees is something I eagerly await more of. Cara Delevinge and Orlando Bloom shine as Vignette and Philo while the amazing supporting cast brings the Row’s to life. This show, as well as all in the top 10, exemplify the rule “character first.”
Image from IMDB
Am I Sexist for Believing that a Fat Man is Better than a Wonderful Woman? -Or- Has Quarantine Made Me Finally Go Crazy?
Before I go into this comedic rant and/or movie review, please know I don’t take the reason for quarantine lightly. My heart goes out to those we’ve lost and those afflicted/affected. I wish for better times and relief as soon as possible. So with that being said . . .
Oh COVID quarantine, thou art a cruel dick. Sure, there are tons of things to watch on the various streaming services. But just like the Star Wars movie franchise, only about a third of the material is worth your time. (Not you Mandalorian, Rebels, and Clone Wars. You’re perfect just the way you are). But I managed to see one movie I was expecting to like, which I didn’t. And one movie I thought would be laughably bad which I fell in love with. Wonder Woman 1984 and Fatman.
- Images from IMDB and Amazon respectively
So let’s start with Wonder Woman 1984, the cinematic equivalent of standing in line at a theme park. You know, two-and-a-half hours of waiting for two minutes of enjoyment.
Like many Americans (suck it the rest of the world who doesn’t have HBO Max) I settled down Christmas evening 2020 to watch the hotly anticipated Patty Jenkins-directed Wonder Woman sequel, Wonder Woman 1984. Based on the trailers, I was ready for the color, the music, and the action of an 80s era superhero blockbuster. Woo!
Then I watched it.
Huh. That--that was a movie. Hmm. Well, to the rest of the world I previously mocked for not having HBO Max . . . it looks like I and the rest of my country are the ones who should suck it.
Look, there are a lot of better think pieces and opinion blogs/movie reviews out there who have already covered this topic. By now I’m sure you’ve seen one of twenty of them. And like everything else in this country, the opinions are as polarized as those ridiculous glasses my mom bought back in the 80s. Damn you QVC.
- Image from YoutubeSo my Bottom-Line-Up-Front review is this: Boredom. Wonder Woman 1984 was total and absolute boredom with occasional moments of actual caring. I told myself that in 2021 I was going to be less critical. To point out positives even when I don’t like something. But, c’mon man, did ya see the movie? Okay, I can do this. Whew. Here we go. This dull as dishwater story . . . damn it . . . this “movie” was an introspective look at an immortal being who feels isolated and alone during the decade of decadence. With wanton avarice, greed, and sexism as the accepted norm, Diana must remind herself that there is no shortcut to life or happiness, And, and sometimes you have to fight aginst those dark forces.
There, I did it!
. . . That being said, it was also a tonal mess that undercut every pro-women message the original movie set up, ironic as this movie was written by Patty Jenkins herself. This film paints Diana as still pining (eh?!) over Steve Trevor, the first guy she ever met/fell in love/slept with/and knew for a total of like seven days, over 60 years prior. So when it came time for her one wish, the educated, beautiful, successful, glamazon wished for her old flame, the one thing she needed to be complete. The movie also has also been lambasted for the non-consensual sexual contact with the body Steve inhabits, as well as propping up middle-eastern people for the skinny white woman to smack around.
Sorry sorry. I’m trying to be better, but New Year’s resolutions are hard. But I’m disappointed since I really dug the first movie. But like I said before, there are far better thinkers than me who have pointed out the virtues and flaws of this movie. For me, I regret to say I nothing this movie. Neither liked nor hated. It falls sadly in that “I’ll likely never watch it again” level of apathetic viewings. Glad that I saw it with an HBO subscription and not in a theater.
But when I was at my lowest, somehow Mel fucking Gibson made me feel hope again.
Wow, I never thought I’d ever write that sentence in my life. Which brings me to another movie I watched very recently, Fatman.
- Image from IMP AwardsIf you haven’t heard of it, or seen the trailer, then here’s the pitch: When a rich/spoiled child gets a lump of coal for Christmas, said evil kid hires a contract killer to assassinate Santa Claus.
I’ll take a moment to let that sink in.
At first, I thought this was going to be one of those R-rated, good-bad movies. A laughable premise that commits to the bit and is entertaining for the run. And, it was that, but so . . . so much more.
You see, this movie had what Wonder Woman didn’t have, heart. Santa, you see, is at a low point. More and more children choose naughty over nice. And as such, fewer toys are made. And as a result, his revenue stream to pay his workers and cover facility costs are cut in half. (Yeah, somehow Santa gets paid by the government. It’s weird, but go with it.) So to makes ends meet, Santa begrudgingly has to accept a military contract.
Look, I know this sounds crazy. But when you see the movie, you’ll soon come to realize that this relatively low-budget indie-flick is a character study that has oceans of pathos under the surface, and it all comes out in the eyes and actions of the lead characters. Mel Gibson’s Santa is a tortured soul that feels like he let down the children of the world. Marianne Jean-Baptiste’s Mrs. Cringle is the rock that holds Santa up. She is his strength and his partner. Their beautifully acerbic dynamic is the heart of this movie. And the always A-game Walton Goggins plays an idiosyncratic hitman who has his reasons for accepting the contract to kill Santa.
- Image from TV FanaticThis, for me, was the movie I needed to see in these times. A tale of someone who struggles. Who loses their identity. Looses what they love. But, finds their resolve, their passion, and their hope once more.
Plus it didn’t have the normally awesome Pedro Pascal reduced to playing an unctuous Trump-parody villain . . . who kinda looked like Bill Murray’s character from Kingpin, Ernie McCrackin.
But like all opinions, they are subjective. If you love WW84, who am I to say otherwise? I’m glad you liked it! If you saw Fatman and thought it was bad . . . then you are a horrible person without a soul and will likely die cold and alone.
:)
Hope you have an amazing 2021. Live long and strong!
~Gibby
I Dream of an Actual Batman Film -or- If I see Another Bruce Wayne Movie I'm Burning This Mother Down
Okay, so . . . damn! The trailer to upcoming The Batman looks good. Real good. I mean, I'm no fan of Sparkles McHufflepuff** but I can't deny that he looks cool and I wanna see this movie.
**Special Note: Please don't suggest any of those gritty, art-house movies starring said actor. I've had many cinephile friends recommend his indie movies, which I then watch . . . and hate. Maybe I'm a basic-B but I despise go nowhere think pieces disguised as character studies. I have a theory that watching too many movies is like excessive masturbation/porn consumption: too much desensitizes you, and you need stranger things to find pleasure. Regardless, to the person who told me The Lighthouse was good: fuck you. Ole Robby P jerking it on screen while DeFoe imitates Mr. Crabs from Spongebob does not a movie make. And no amount of faux Lovecraftian spookiness can replace the time wasted on that black and white abortion.
So back to The Batman! Let's just say . . . I'm leery. Trailers can make people think a movie is going to more than it is. But, we've all been fooled by trailers before. After all, they're a marketing tool meant to get to spend money. And when it comes to Batman in live-action, I feel like I've been burned before.
See, this article came out a couple of weeks ago on Screenrant, "The Batman Explores Bruce Wayne's Trauma In Fun & Surprising Ways." And that didn't sit well with me. There was a specific line in it which read: " . . . he [The Batman co-writer Matt Tomlin] did confirm the story will tackle Bruce's early days operating as the Bat of Gotham. Additionally, he revealed the narrative will revolve around the character's trauma."
Sigh. I--I don't ever need another Bruce Wayne's trauma movie. I'm sorry, I don't. Pretty much every live-action interpretation of Batman has centered around Bruce Wayne's trauma.
. . . or him ready to quit being Batman for a girl. Seriously, look at this!
And yeah yeah yeah, I know . . . but what about his parents? Their murder is the cornerstone of his trauma and the genesis for Bruce Wayne becoming Batman.
Yawn.
Look, I'm clearly straw-manning this thought. But let me ask you this: Why was Spider-Man: Homecoming such a refreshing take on Marvel's favorite web-slinger? Aside from the MCU magic sprinkled in, there was no rehashing of the Uncle Ben Dies story line. We get it. We're nerds (or at least nerd-adjacent) and the ubiquity of these iconic characters ensures that everyone is aware that Uncle Ben died, Krypton blew up, and Batman's parents got gunned down. And we've seen those movies. A lot. Sad boy Bruce Wayne being so sad he plays dress-up while struggling with his inner pain.
So fun. Blah.
On the whole, I prefer the animated Batman movies. Why? Because the bulk of them deal with Batman doing Batman things. Fighting his rogues gallery, solving a crime, and being the dark vigilante we like. And, this is important, he's Batman the vast majority of the time, not an introspective emo puppy.
And, wouldn't be cool if we got a live-action movie that did that? No Alfred telling Master Wayne to get up. No Bruce looking forlorn over his waffles. Just Batman running around Gotham having to do something in the nick of time. You can make it moody. You can make it stylish. Dark and gritty the shit out of it. Hell, throw in a Court of Owls Raptor or a Hush (pick one) taking shots at him, I don't care.
Maybe this movie will do that? The trailer has all the elements I described. But it also has a slowed-down version of Nirvana's "Something in the Way." So . . . yeah, I’m sensing some sad-boy Seattle rain “poor me” on the horizon.
Some folks say that you need Bruce Wayne. You need to see his face to humanize him. And to that I say . . . why? We've had that, plenty of times. Do you know what we've never had? Batman in the cowl for the whole movie. You see, there's this little movie that kicked a lot of ass and went unappreciated in its time. A little flick called Dredd.
NO! No that one. This one.
Ahh, there it is.
This movie had the balls to cover the beauty that is Karl Urban (don't judge me, we're all allowed one man crush) for the entire movie. This well-paced, contained, gritty, action story not only kicked major ass but served as a prototype of how a Batman movie could be made.
So, all humor aside, I'm sure The Batman will be a solid movie and I really am looking forward do it. People laughed in '89 when the comedian Michael Keaton was announced as Batman. They laughed again when the lanky kid from Knights Tale, Heath Ledger, was announced as Joker. So maybe the Crystal Pepsi of vampires will surprise us all.
But I swear to God if I see Thomas and Martha one more time I'm killing them myself.
~ Live Long and Strong - Gibby
The Princess Bride IS Due for an Update -or- Remake Everything and Let Capitalism Sort it Out
“I felt a great disturbance in the Force. As if millions of voices cried out in terror…”
~ Ben Kenobi
“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”
~ George Carlin
Image from Amazon
I’m just going to come out and say it: I honestly don’t give a shit if they remake The Princess Bride. In fact . . . I kinda hope they do. Unpopular opinion, I know. And not one born from a desire to troll (even if its a teeny bit fun :) ). Just a personal opinion. Others may disagree, and that’s fair.
When I heard the talk about a possible remake, my honest first thought was: Oh, that would be cool. Then while mindlessly checking social media, I saw that the internet had lost its fucking mind. I sighed. Angry people brandishing digital pitchforks and torches shouldn’t surprise anyone at this point.
I thought of a simpler time, when the internet was for research, chat rooms, free music, and a bountiful cornucopia of porn. Alas, the ubiquity of social media on every device allows for every stray thought and opinion of others to be slammed directly in front of your eyes. What’s worse, is that online “journalism”, and even the traditional news cycle, harvests the overly-opinionated online angst like ripe crops, and shoves it back into the proverbial mouths of whatever like-minded/politically affiliated base they pander to. All in the name of clicks-to-ad revenue. (And you thought they shared your beliefs, didn’t you? Tsk tsk ;-) )
But back to the topic at hand. Once I pushed through the countless memes and legion of venom-spewing Princess Bride purists, I really had to ask myself: why not? Sure, I liked the movie. Hell, at one point in my youth, I had it memorized, word-for-word, down to the sound effects. But, what if they did remake it? Or reimagine it? That could be cool.
What if they turned The Princess Bride as a space opera? Warring interplanetary kingdoms. Westley could become a space pirate? Vizzini could planet-hop with Buttercup and Westley has to track them across various systems. Miracle Max could live on a Dagobah planet? Even the life-sucking torture scene with Count Rugen could happen on a space station that Indigo and Fezzik needed to infiltrate?
Or maybe as a 30’s prohibition era gangster movie? That could be a neat setting. Westley could be a returning war hero turned PI/cop that has to track down BC from an Al Capone-like Humperdinck?
See, I’m one of those weirdos who likes when they remake old(er) things. Movies, songs, TV, etc. I think it can be a fun way to revamp a classic for a modern audience. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. Musically, I love “All Along The Watchtower” by Jimi Hendrix (originally by Bob Dylan), “Hurt” by Johnny Cash (originally by Nine Inch Nails), “Ring of Fire” by Social Distortion (originally by Johnny Cash), and “Over the Rainbow” by Israel Kamakawiwo’ole (originally by Judy Garland) just to name a few.
Video games get remade all the time. Bringing classic games to modern consoles for newer generations to appreciate. They fix jenky controls, make it visually appealing, and next thing you know, the old is new again.
In movies, Oceans’ 11 is a good example of a remake. And some folks even liked Ocean’s 8. While Ghostbusters 2016 was divisive, Disney remains rife with remakes (Lion King, Beauty and the Beast, Aladdin, etc). And of course there is Conan with Jason Mamoa . . . which is NOT a good example.
Heh, I bet Aquabro wishes he woulda made that flick (BROnan?) now, while his star power is high as opposed to then. But, it was Apr 2011 when GoT Season 1 came out, and August 2011 for Conan. So, Drogo gonna Drogo.
Image from IMDB
She-Ra recently made a return on Netflix, with a Kevin Smith helmed He-Man on its way. Some folks bitched about it. But, my 7yr old son and I watched some of the She-Ra eps and he thought it was kinda cool.
But its always funny, to me, when the overtly vocal folks become SO ENRAGED when a movie/TV studio dares to touch something special to them. You know who I’m talking about.
“They did what???!!!! How dare they! #NOTMY[INSERT THE MEDIA THAT MAKES ME FEEL SPECIAL AND OR UNIQUE HERE]”
And it isn’t because I’m “above it”. I’m not really enlightened, or pretentious. I damn sure don’t use the words “Film” or “Cinema” to describe movies. I can even like a bad/over-hyped movie because it was “fun” (Looking at you Avenger’s Endgame. Great character payoffs with a dumb-as-F plot) And for shit’s sake, I love (and own) the extended cut of Hansel & Gretel Witchhunters. So clearly, I’m no freaking authority on what’s “good”.
Image from Amazon
The reason I don’t care about remakes is simple. Ready for the secret? Shh, I’ll whisper it to you: The originals still exists. No one snuck into the night and destroyed all the copies of the thing you like.
Crazy, I know.
Maybe it boils down to it purists. People who staunchly say: “The original is the best!” And you know what, a lot of times, they’re right. And sometimes, subjectively, they’re very much wrong. Perhaps their slogan should really be: “The original is what I know best, and I don’t want someone saying the newer version is just as good/better than what I know best because . . . reasons!”
Admittedly, that’s a bit too long for a slogan.
Hell, while we’re at it, I firmly believe that the Peter Jackson Lord of the Rings movies should be remade. Yeah, I said it. Sure, Fellowship is still pretty solid, as the bulk is filmed with minimal green screen, on location, and with tactile props. But there are certain scenes in that flick--especially more so in the other two--that look like a bad video game cut scene. And there is no real fault per se. It’s just that CGI has come a long way from when those movies were filmed. Obviously they did the best they could with what they had at the time, but certain crucial scenes have not aged well. It is really obvious what’s real, what’s a sound stage, and what is really dated CGI. To watch those now, the nostalgia goggles must be thick to ignore some cringy bits.
Image from Amazon
Plus, a remake could make Gimli cool and not a buffoon for comedic relief
Obviously the argument can be made that entertainment media doesn’t need remakes or re-imaginations, they need original ideas. And I agree. Everyone has heard the expression “Hollywood is out of ideas.” But sadly, there is an axiom that rings true across most mediums, and one I learned early on in my writing career. And that is: stand-alone or new properties don’t sell well. Franchises are what brings people back for more.
Of course there are exceptions. Recent original, non-franchise, non sequel movies like Get Out and Us, garnered a lot of attention on the back of Jordan Peele’s fame. And Us was in the top 20 box office hits this year, #8 in fact. But here are the others, see if you notice a trend:
Avengers: Endgame - Sequel
Lion King - Remake
Toy Story 4 - Sequel
Captain Marvel - Technically new/standalone
Spider Man: Far from Home - Sequel
Aladdin - Remake
It: Chapter 2 - Sequel
Us - Stand alone
John Wick 3 - Sequel
Fast & Furious Hobbs & Shaw - Spin off Sequel
How to Train Your Dragon 3 - Sequel
Secret Life of Pets 2 - Sequel
Detective Pikachu - Stand Alone/loose re-imagination of Game Boy Game
Shazam - Technically new/standalone
Once Upon a Time in Hollywood - Stand Alone
Dumbo - Remake
Glass - Sequel
Godzilla King of Monsters - Sequel
The Upside - Stand Alone
Lego Movie 2 - Sequel
Point is, creating something “new” is hard. Many writers, story resources, and the like, have their own opinion, but the boiled down story basics and story conflict are as follows (and nearly every story is a mix and match of the following):
Story Basics:
Comedy
Journey and Return - A story about transformation
Overcoming “A Monster”
Quest - From point A to point B.
Rags to Riches
Rebirth or renewal
Tragedy
Story Conflict:
Person vs. Fate/God(s)
Person vs. Nature
Person vs. Person
Person vs. Self
Person vs. Society
Person vs. Technology
Person vs. the Unknown/Extraterrestrial
As Mark Twain put it:
“There is no such thing as a new idea. It is impossible. We simply take a lot of old ideas and put them into a sort of mental kaleidoscope. We give them a turn and they make new and curious combinations. We keep on turning and making new combinations indefinitely; but they are the same old pieces of colored glass that have been in use through all the ages.”
So, long story short, I don’t care if a movie, music, show, whatever gets remade. Is it “boring” or “unimaginative”? Maybe. Depends on the finished product.
I’m not trying to convince someone that should/shouldn’t care, or think the way I think; that’s a fool’s errand. Obviously there are far more important things in the world to worry about then a remake of a movie. Entertainment is just that, entertaining. It can distract us from horrors and stress. And, it can even enlighten when done right (or be a heavy handed punch in the metaphorical mouth).
But when done right, a nice remake or re-imagining can be something pretty cool.
Westside Story is Romeo and Juliet,
10 Things I hate about you is Taming of the Shrew,
Apocalypse Now is Heart of Darkness,
Lion King is Hamlet,
O Brother Where art Thou is The Odyssey,
Clueless is Jane Austin’s Emma,
Young Frankenstein is a comedic spoof of Frankenstein,
The Force Awakens is clearly a reskin of Star Wars: A New Hope
Heh heh. Oh, and don’t forget that The Princess Bride WAS a book published in 1973, written by William Goldman.
Image from Building a Library
Point is, if you Google best remakes or song covers, you’ll find some really neat stuff you may not have known. So, why sholdn’t The Princess Bride be remade?
. . . unless you think about it as:
a white girl, with limited agency, who is an object to be won. A prize, if you will, that is battled over by two classic stereotypes of (toxic) masculinity. Coupled with the sheer lack of ethnic diversity, the movie does show its age and biases. Come to think of it, I think Mandy Patinkin is a Chicago-born Jewish man . . . playing a Spaniard?! (ouch!). And Billy Crystal and Carol Kane are doing some kind of mockery of the elderly. Not Cool. And what the fuck is a “Holocaust” cloak? Hmm? If they meant flame-resistant, then say that. And wait . . . didn’t Westly like . . . kill tons of people as a pirate? He’s the hero? Even more, he barely knew Buttercup and left her to find his fortune while she minded the farm? Then got indignant when after 5 years she moved on? Uh-uh! She isn’t property.
You know what. Fuck this movie and any potential remake!
From Giphy
:) Well, that was a bit of lighthearted fun. So in the end, love what you love, and don’t let anyone tell you different. Besides, we can attack the REAL problem. Jason Bateman and Ryan Reynolds wanna remake Clue!
My Marvel Movie Rankings . . . Because . . . Why Not?
Yeah, this sure is original. Yup. Because no one else ranks the Marvel movies. (read: sarcasm ;-) ) But, thanks to THIS QUIZ (which I took while bored), it made it fun an easy. So without further ado, here it is, Gib’s Woefully-Behind-The-Times Marvel Movie List.
Note 1 - The app I used asked “Which would you like to watch RIGHT NOW”. So when compiled I agreed that #23 - #16 were tedious to watch. #15 - #11 were “oh, that’s on? I’ll watch it”. And #10 - #1 are the ones I get a excited to watch again.
Note 2 - All my comments are just my opinions. If you take them negatively then . . . they’re a joke? :)
Note 3 - All images from Marvel
#23 T
he Incredible Hulk -
No one’s favorite. Well, except maybe that one weird friend likes to be a contrarian a-hole.
#22 Ant-Man - Sorry, the Baskin Robbins joke/Louis Pena didn’t make me laugh. Maybe I’m dead inside. But to me, Paul Rudd is as exciting as getting a new towel set. He’s fine/funny in the bigger ensemble movies though. Small roles . . . because he’s Ant-Man.
#21 Iron Man 2 - I hated the bird. I hated the plot. Seriously, dying of ARC reactor poisoning is a 3rd movie plot, not a 2nd! RDJ is charismatic, so, that was fun at least.
.
#20 Thor: The Dark World - Higher than the others? Yeah, I know this flick isn’t good. But Loki/Thor are charming and Thor was my fav growing up.
#19 Ant-Man & The Wasp - The team-up was more fun this time around. But, again, It’s the Paul Rudd towel set analogy. But now with matching washcloths. But hey, at least Wasp was better than Ant-Man in every way.
#18 Black Panther - Aside from cultural impact, the movie, to me, was a paint-by-numbers story. And, if I’m honest, it fell short of what it could have been. Especially when considering Coogler/MBJ’s other collaborations.
#17
Captain Marvel - My review (CLICK HERE) sums up my feelings on this movie. I felt that it reached for greatness, but didn’t have a seasoned hand to get it there. But, there a certain charm to Superhero movie: The Movie.
#16 Spider Man: Far From Home - What? Middle of the pack? Yeah. I was honestly bored through some of it. The teen drama was like a not funny Eurotrip. The movie had its moments, but nothing that made it exceptional. The growing out of (and into?) Tony’s shadow was touching though.
#15 Thor - As I mentioned earlier, growing up, Thor was my fav. And I was stoked for this flick. And . . . it was fine. That’s it.
#14 Iron Man 3 - This movie, sigh. It breaks so much established continuity. Ran out of power? What does that thing in his chest do then?! Anyway, I liked the comedy & action. Mandarin twist was fine.
#13 Avengers: Age of Ultron - I kinda liked this flick. I liked the banter. I liked the action. I liked the Scarlet Witch a lot. Some folks give it crap, but there is a good chance they’re a-holes. :)
#12 Doctor Strange - Goatee? Arrogant? Yes. Tony? No. Something about this generic-yet-trippy origin story makes me smile. Maybe because he’s a chump through most of it? Sadly, Rachel McAdams was wasted
#11 Iron Man - Not in the top 10?! Sorry? Blame the app I used. I do love this movie. The entire MCU is the Ballad of Tony Stark. But, come on, it’s a guy in a suit punching a villain in a similar suit. But, it was funny and had great action!
#10 Guardians of the Galaxy 2 - I love me an ensemble, and the Guardians are great. Now, full disclosure, I didn’t care about Ego/Peter’s arc. But, it got me to Rocket/Yondu & Peter/Yondu. And THAT hit me in the feels. Which is why it cracks the top 10.
#9 Avengers: Endgame - What is there to say? I HATED the plot. But I LOVED the emotional payoffs. And as the final note of The Ballad of Tony Stark played, I nodded. You can rest now Tony . . . sniff.
#8 - Thor: Ragnarok - What a remarkable tonal shift. I laughed. I had fun. I threw up the devil horns to Immigrant’s Song . . . both times. There were some dumb things, and it broke continuity. But man, it was pure fun.
#7 Spider-Man: Homecoming - Hands down, full stop: best (live-action) Spider-Man movie ever. (Spiderverse was awesome!) Keaton’s Vulture might be the best villain in the MCU.
#6 Avengers - Still, one of the best MCU flicks with great team chemistry, dialogue, action, humor and heart. And, without a doubt, the WORST Captain America uniform. See there in the poster how they hide him behind Thor?
#5 Avengers: Infinity War - The Empire Strikes Back of the MCU. Not only a great job juggling so many characters, but great drama and fun to watch. Sure, Pete dissolving is sad. But RDJ wiping the Spider-dust away was a metaphor for all Stark’s goals and efforts. A man seeing ultimate failure. Bravo.
#4 Captain America: The First Avenger - No, I’m not crazy. I love this movie. Growing up, I hated Cap. And in no way expected the jock with a banana in his ass from Not Another Teen Movie to impress me. I was wrong. Evan’s earnest portrayal won me over. And, the good guy kinda loses in this one.
#3 Captain America: Civil War - Some would call this Avengers 2.5. I call it awesome. Zemo and his personal revenge plan was the cornerstone for a personal story. Both Cap and Tony’s. Bonus in that this was the best portrayal of Black Panther.
#2 Guardians of the Galaxy - As you can see by now, personal stories hit home with me. And when this movie was pitched, folks scoffed. When it opened with a dying mom, they gasped. The comedic flow from broken person to broken person captivated me. And ending in a dance off? Well, it won me, and most of the world, over.
#1 Captain America: The Winter Soldier - Wow. To think the directors of this movie used to make Community episodes. This flick is an amazing call back to the classic spy thriller. But, amid the cat and mouse games, the human element was always there, keeping things personal, grounded, and in short: the BEST (imo) MCU movie to date.
The Thin Line Between Fan and Fanatic -or- Did Game of Thrones Let Us Down?
Online Meme
Yes, you are allowed to criticize art. Let me repeat this because apparently it needs to be said. YOU, the consumer of commercial art, a packaged, polished, and highly produced product, are allowed to give your opinion, comment, praise and/or criticize the thing. Especially if you paid for it. Shocker, I know.
Like many people, I watched the final season of Game of Thrones. And I was disappointed. I’ve written previously about the off-screen jet packs and rocket powered ravens for the last couple of seasons, but I held off writing anything more until after the dust settled on this season. And what I saw, in my opinion, was a very beautifully shot, well acted, highly rushed piece of commercial art.
In my opinion, the nuance and pacing of the first few seasons had been cast aside for the sake of spectacle and the desire to just cross the finish line. It reminded me of a horny idiot just wanting get to laid. The kind of person who thinks looking good trumps substance, and that foreplay is waste of time.
Image from MTV’s Jersey Shore
But after the final episode was over I saw fans online getting upset. And weirder still, was the media backlash to fan outrage. And as of this writing, the Change.org petition to remake the final season of GoT has reached over 1.6 million signatures. Now, I’d like to think these people know that that will never happen and are just expressing their displeasure as fans of show that concluded a 9-year journey as shadow of its former glory. But this piece isn’t really about Game of Thrones. It’s about fan reaction to the entertainment that they love and the perceived problem with fan outrage.
Before I dive in, let me be CRYSTAL CLEAR: I do NOT believe the fans have the “right” to dictate how a creator should craft their work. No matter how invested they are. BUT, fans do get to express their opinions about how they receive said work. And said creators should also remember the expression: don’t bite the hand that feeds.
I’m looking at you Rian Johnson.
In my mind, a creator doesn’t get to hide behind their “art” when fans become upset. Especially when said art is, as I said in the opening paragraph, a packaged, polished, and highly produced commercial product meant for mass consumption. Mainly because when making a comic, a movie, a book, a song, or a video game, the creator has to decide if said creation’s subject matter or style is meant for a wide audience or a smaller, more niche audience.
I expressed this opinion the other day on social media while discussing the finale of Game of Thrones. And, oh my, by the reaction I got from some folks, you’d think I’d defended Harvey Weinstein. It went a little something like this:
“Who the fuck are you to question the artist?!”
“The one who consumes it and/or pays for it.”
“Oh, like your fucking HBO subscription gives you the right to tell them to reshoot he whole season? Fucking entitled manbaby!”
“No, it gives me the right to say I was upset, and that it seems like they rushed it in order to go over to Disney and start the next Star Wars movie.”
“And how the fuck would you know? Hmm? Are you their fucking agent?”
“No, but I do have Google”
4 Jan 18 - HBO Confirms Game of Throne Won’t Air Season 8 Until 2019
6 Feb 18 - Star Wars Confirms Game of Throne Weiss and Benihoff to Write & Produce New Star Wars Trilogy
15 Mar 19 - HBO Confirms Season 8 Shortest Season So Far
14 May 19 - Benioff and Weiss Star Wars in 2022
“They’re the artist and you’re not!”
“Funny, because when they were drowning in cash from their checks, Blu-Ray sales, and license deals for video games, t-shirts, and Funko Pops, no one said shit about artistic integrity. Seems like that expression only gets thrown around when the populace has a negative reaction to some kind of entertainment media.”
“And if a band changes their sound, fans can tell them to go back?!”
“No, fans can stop listening.”
“So the artist can’t grow?!”
“No, they can. Hopefully they cultivate an audience that grows with them.”
“You must want the Hollywood ending for everything!”
“I don’t care how something ends, as long as the story is developed in a way that feels earned.”
“Fuck you edgelord!”
“Enjoy your next tumblr rally asshole.”
The argument has raged on forever: who owns the art, the artist or the people? And obviously the answer is: the artist. But, the artist needs to remember that they got to that elevated level, because of the fans. I think that there are certain creators (and celebrities) who have lived on a pedestal for so long, they’ve forgotten the very people who put them there, who called them exceptional, and who threw their hard-earned money at them. The fans lifted them from obscurity and made them “special”.
They forgot that they were the lucky ones.
Because frankly, there are millions of creators out there with amazing ideas. Yes, there is a lot of hard work that goes into creating something, and harder work still to market and promote. As an indy SFF writer, trust me, I know. And having months (or years) of work dismissed with a shitty comment or pissy review is heartbreaking. But, at the end of the day, there is a still a shit-load of luck involved when it comes to being noticed.
So for those famous folk who need a little reminder of humility, remember the words of the bard Kendrick Lamar: Bitch . . . be Humble
So when I see creators clapping-back at the fans while simultaneously clutching at their pearls,gasping: “how dare you?!”, well, to that I say, “enjoy the way down.” Because one thing the masses enjoy almost as much as celebrating victory, is the schadenfrude when the exalted fall.
But with all that said, there is of course a limit to a fan expressing their displeasure. As a writer, I’ve had many people leave reviews that have been incredibly toxic. But that comes with the territory. I was told by friends and colleagues to “get a thicker skin”.
But, at NO POINT, should a displeased fan reach out via the internet (or in real life) and issue threats of any kind. Normally that kind of thing doesn’t need to be said. But, less folks think this blog is all about fan empowerment, let me be clear on another point: There is no formal contract between creator and consumer. It sucks, I know. You buy their stuff, they cash the checks. That’s it.
But, if they are smart, the creator will listen to feedback and use that to help shape their work, rather than being beholden to it. They should consider what is best for the story and their fan base, not their ego.
**Oh, and the words “subverting expectations” should die in a lake of fire. That concept is not new, and it isn’t quirky, witty, insightful, or pithy to toss around. Hell, at this point, “subverting expectations” IS the new “Hollywood ending”.**
For those who think this level of fan outrage is a product of the current generation due to the internet, allow me to point you at the way back machine. In 1893, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle killed off his creation Sherlock Holmes, and man, fans were pissed. And after 8 years of pressure, Doyle released Hound of the Baskervilles, set when Holmes was still alive. And in 1903, brought Holmes back from the dead, with Sherlock explaining that he faked his death.
In 1997, Star Wars was re-released with Greedo shooting first. That went over well? I think the words “killed my childhood” were born.
In 2008, and after 24 years of waiting, fans got Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. And, well . . . yeah. That was a thing.
The long story short of this is simple. Fans are allowed to be outspoken. They are the ones who keep the entertainment machine turning. It is on their backs that the empire is built. But, fans should also take it down a notch. It is just entertainment. There are in fact real-world problems to focus our energy on. Toxic fandom IS a thing. Such negativity has hurt people in the real world. Don’t be an asshole. Express your opinion, sign a petition, vote with your wallet, and that’s it. There are warning signs when you’re in a bad relationship, and the same apply to your fan loyalty: Resentment, Disrespect, Dishonesty, Mistrust, Distancing, Defensiveness, and Contempt. If you sense your favorite franchise doing that to you, then walk away. Just make sure you’re not the one showing those signs.
So, Game of Thrones ended with not a bang, but with a whimper. It sucks. But, so did the Sopranos and Lost. It will just be another entertainment corpse on the pile. Remember the good times and hope ole RR Martin hangs on long enough to finish the books. But by this point, there are so many characters who I don’t give two shits about, that I just don’t care anymore.
Courtesy of Aww Memes
But before I go, a quick message to famous, high-profile, A-List creators, artists, and developers: Don’t fuck it up. Respect your fans. When you do fuck up, which you have and will do again, own up to it. Don’t lash out at them. They want to praise your work. Let them. Because if driving over a Jawa would kick you out so that my books would become the next big thing on HBO, Netflix, Hulu, Amazon Prime, a comic, or video game? Well, I’d rev the engine and not think twice.
Game of Throne Final Season Woes -OR- How I Learned Love Jetpacks AND Broadswords
DISCLAIMER: If you love the show or the books, GREAT! Don’t let my ramblings take that from you. This is mostly for comedic purpose. But, some of my true feelings are buried in this nonsensical drivel.
At the time of writing this, season 8 of Game of Thrones is only days from airing. Like me, maybe you’ve seen tons of countdown clocks and memes in your social media feeds. People are abuzz with anticipation. The culmination of massive phenomena that began on HBO in 2011 (or those pesky written versions in 1996). 67 episodes, five published main story novels, 2 more pipe dreams of “forthcoming” books, plus comics and prequel content.
BUT, not all is well in the Land of Ice and Fire. While some fans are excited others are angry. Since the show has gone past the published works, some consider the latest season as fan-service fan-fic. Others have commented that the off screen jetpacks and rocket-powered ravens** have made them upset. Or, how the Ironborn people of Pike can make that many ships from islands that look like bleak rock.
**These terms refer to how quickly the remaining main cast (and message by ravens) have been able to travel across Westeros and Essos with plot-convenient blinding speed. In season 1, it took what, a month of travel from kings landing to Winterell, and another month to the wall? Well, remember when Jon and crew were stuck beyond the wall in season 7, and Gendry ran back to some outpost, sent a raven to Dragonstone? Danny got on her dragon and flew there the next morning. (for perspective, just from Winterfell to Castle Black at The Wall is 600 miles by raven, 650 by road.)
There are defenders of these plot devices, saying that lore supports these things, or TV adaptation is required. Antagonists do as the internet does and just hates. So, nothing new there.
But, I’m here to say: I don’t give a shit and I embrace the insanity.
I like Game of Thrones, both the show and the books, but the grand epic story was ruined for me, long ago. The moment overt supernatural and prophecy was added to the story, the whole thing became a house of cards to me.
See, the show (and the books) in the beginning masterfully blended political machinations with the ever present, creeping fear of the supernatural darkness. While we gasp at things like the Red Weddings, we are also aware of Jon Snow’s plight, for he’s seen beyond the wall. And that . . . that’s the problem. Sooner or later, all the who fucked who over (or simply who’s fucking who), won’t matter. Not when the Ice Zombies come a knocking. And maybe that’s the point. But it also undermines the core. The human element. Added to this, is the prophecy, you know, The Prince Who Was Promised. See, once we got the Fire God, R’Hollr Lord of Light pitting its avatars against The Great Other, the cold god of ice and death, then the wine sipping snark fests between uppity nobles were . . . well, blah.
image from HBO
Seriously, do you think I give two horse apples about the Iron Bank or the Golden Company when the King of the Ice Zombies killed a dragon with a fucking spear, then raised said dragon as an undead ice dragon? No. No I do not. Looking back, remember in the hot springs when Jamie gave that impassioned speech about why he killed the Mad king? Or Littlefinger’s deft plots? How about Tyron facing his dad in the crapper? Or Theon’s torture at the hand of Ramsey? Powerful human moments right?
Well I also saw and entire dead village of Hardhome stand up at once under the power of the Night King. I saw Jon Snow get resurrected (among others). I saw face-shifting disciples of the God of Death. The human story is drowned out by the fantastic. Fun Fact: in the books, Thoros of Myr, you know, top knot drunken red priest brought back Catelyn Stark? Although, she didn’t come ALL the way back. She was dubbed Lady Stoneheart and she hung Brienne. Yup. Neat stuff right? But please, tell me more about The Vale or the politics of Dorn.
No, please go on. Tell me more of your . . . politics. I’m sure I have another dragon killing ice spear here somewhere. image from HBO
Add to that the Three-Eyed Raven and time travel, then you have a cycle you cannot break. The past/present/future is seen. Maybe you can break the cycle, or perhaps we’re just watching/reading actors playing the parts as fate already decreed. Yes, the Hold The Door/Hodor bit was an AWESOME scene, but you may as well have had Marty & Doc zoom past in the Deloran.
I know, I know, I’m being both overtly narrow in my view while also editorializing for my narrative. I get it, trust me. But this is just my opinion. But once you add prophecy to a story, any story, “the story” is over. Meaning, like any book, show, or movie, once you see the ending coming, it’s a wait and see game. And in GoT there were only two options. You either take the political “medieval” drama to its end while you hand wave the mythical stuff/deal with it off camera (pissing off fans of fantasy). OR, you make a hard turn into the fantastical, and piss on the backbiting and maneuvering (and thus anger your cerebral nerds). Which is where we seem to be heading.
Now MAYBE, the show (or books) can blend the two and do so perfectly. And something tells me that there will be people loudly saying that it did AND didn’t (again, see: the internet). But based on what we saw last season, I think we should settle in for more giant set pieces, giant battles, and giant magic. I’m sure there will be some surprise deaths, some revenge, and a twist or two.
And I’m totally cool with that . . . Because I WANT the fan service.
Like I said earlier, I like the show a lot. And in many ways, MORE than the books. Sorry literary fans. I know that is heretical of me to say, but I don’t care. Some epics are just too much. Like Dune, the first couple are solid, but then it just . . . goes on far too long, and diminishes the whole.
So after the better part of a decade for the shows, and 23 years of waiting for this goddamn series of books to be over, I say “bring on the fan service!” I was thrilled with last seasons events and I want more. you know what I hope happens?
I hope Jon Snow rides a dragon, wooshing by, and beheads Jamie Lannister for trying to kill Bran.
I hope Sam tries to kill the Night King only for Gilly to stab him in the ass with dragon glass.
I hope The Hound fights Franken-Mountain in the Clegane Bowl. After which, The Hound cuts off The Mountain’s dick and tosses that Icelandic anaconda to Theon and Gray Worm who then battle for it. The winner takes it to Qyburn for reattachment.
I hope Brienne refutes Torman Giantbanes advances so that she and Sansa fall in love and open a goddamn flower shop in Dorn together.
I hope Danny finally tells Jorrah The Knight of Friendzone, to get a life.
I hope Theon beats his uncle at something, only for his sister to put Theon down after.
I hope Arya kills the Hound for his past sins, like killing her friend the Butcher’s Boy.
I hope Sansa learns to smile . . . an act (I wonder if Dark Phoenix will be any good?)
I hope Ned Stark comes back from the dead . . . only to die again, as Sean Bean does.
I hope that when all the heroes are dead and when Cerci sits on the throne, Varys and Gendry stab her. Only for them to then dissolve the monarchy and institute democracy. #MakeWesterosGreatAgain
I hope not only that Bran is actually also Bran the Builder and the Night King, but that the story ends with young bran sitting in bed, having been read a bedtime tale and the whole thing was a story (the Rian Johnson cut.)
But above all else, I JUST WANT THIS OVER SO I CAN FINALLY CANCEL HBO!!!!
See y’all in a few days around the internet water cooler!
~Gibby
Review of Captain Marvel: A Midling Movie -or- The Benefits of Being the Butt of the Joke
Right off the bat, let’s address the elephant in the room concerning this movie. While promoting the movie there was a plethora of comments and sound bites from Brie Larson about diversity and white male journalists. And naturally the internet exploded with vitriol. Who knew the internet was an opinionated place? But, I ignored it. I only cared about two things: the movie . . . and why is Brie Larson slowly transforming into Diane Kruger?
Images from Celebmafia and Getty Images
Before moving into spoiler territory, this is my brief, IMO, spoiler-free, TL;DR review: The movie firmly falls into the “It’s Fine” category. Nothing special. Nothing horrible. Nearly every story beat is predictable with minimal twists on the superhero movie formula. It has neat action. It has some jokes. It tries for heart, but misses. Captain Marvel follows in the wake of Wonder Woman, but without a seasoned hand like Patty Jenkins to guide the movie, it falls short of what it could have been. Influenced by other Marvel movies like Guardians and Captain America, but ends up in the mid-tier.
Okay, with that out of the way, the rest of the review will have some spoilers. Cool?
Marvel has always impressed me with casting, seeing something in an actor that could shine. If you look back, they cast the unstable wild card to be Iron Man, the banana in his ass comedian as Captain America, the unknown dead George Kirk to be Thor, and the pudgy schlub from Parks & Rec as Star Lord.
Images from Daily Mail, Not Another Teen Movie, Star Trek, and NBC
So when Brie was announced, I was excited. I loved her in Scott Pilgrim, The United States of Tara, 21 Jump Street and Kong: Skull Island. I was wondering what the Marvel casting team saw in her. But, after watching the flick, I think what they saw was her left shoulder, constantly pointing towards the camera, in a 3/4 square stance. The below pics don’t do justice. She loves to run/storm into frame, put her left shoulder forward, and make fists.
Images from Marvel
The movie is a pretty good action flick. It tries for comedy, and some jokes hit. But, you can also tell that the movie tried to be like Guardians, but with the 90’s instead of the 70’s. But, it never quite hits. (There’s even a scene where we’re in her head and Nirvana’s “Come as You Are” is playing. But since she disappeared from earth in 1989 and returned in 1995 . . . she shouldn’t know that song.) James Gunn brought a pathos to Guardians of the Galaxy and to his characters. A deep, personal pain to each of them which was masked in comedy. Something we the audience can relate to. But, the Captain Marvel movie is devoid of such depth.
The movie also tries to be a buddy cop flick with Marvel and Nick Fury, and that never really gels. And while Mr. Jackson is perfectly fine, the Fury you know from other movies is gone, and is replaced with this younger, dorky version who is the butt of Carol Danvers’ jokes and jibes. This self-described Retired Colonel turned Spy turned SHIELD Agent gets all gooey whenever that stupid cat is on screen “Who’s a widdle widdle good kitty kitty?”. (Yes, he says crap like that. A lot. And it sucks. And I have a cat.) The other sticking point is that Jackson and the rest of SHIELD, accept alien existence really, really quickly. I know the story needed to keep going, but as the directors/writers hand waved that bit away, I knew I was just along for the ride. Stuck in the backseat and forced to suffer bad choices. (see Fury’s missing eye here). This choice also retcon’s Fury’s speech in Avengers when he tells them that SHIELD is developing new weapons and tech because of Thor, and up until he arrived, they thought they were alone in the universe.
The movie is in essence a discovery of personal strength. You know, “the power was in you the whole time, you just had to believe” trope. As Cap Marvel AKA “Vers” discovers her past on earth, she starts to remember her old life, and there are actually very touching moments between her and her old wingman, Lashana Lynch’s “Maria Rambeau” and Maria’s daughter, Monica. When her best friend comes back, after 6 years of presumed death, Lynch’s reaction and performance is amazing
. . . and then, then they had to ruin it.
You see a few scenes later, the dialogue forces Larson to say something like “I don’t even know who I am anymore!!” Ugh. To which Lynch is forced into the other dead horse of bad writing by listing the protagonists superlatives. “You’re Carol Danvers! The bravest, strongest, and most amazing person I’ve ever known!”
I literally had my hand over my face during that scene in abject shock and cringe during this stilted scene. And for some reason, I couldn’t get the scene out of my head from Face/Off when Sean Archer is now wearing Caster Troy’s face and freaks out. His (Sean’s) best friend and partner Tito, has to remind of who he was. “You’re Sean ARCHER!!” You know, another black character reminding the white lead of their inner strength. Blah.
***Special shout out to Ben Mendleson as Talos, leader of the Skrulls. He chews the scenery and has some of the best lines and scenes. His character is given oodles more comedy, pathos, and depth. All this despite being forced to wear a mask that forced him to mumble and slur. Truth be told, if he was a new addition to The Guardians, I would totally be down.***
But since watching the movie, I’ve been trying to figure out what about Captain Marvel didn’t work for me. She was strong, she had some humor, she was snarky, she was committed. So what was it that made me, at best, iffy? And then it hit me. She, or likely the writing/directing team, refused to allow Captain Marvel to have humility.
What do I mean by that? Well, IMO, one of the reasons that the MCU characters have been so accessible, and thus successful, is because of their relatability and their humility. No, we’re not gods, super soldiers, or billionaire tech geniuses. But we are people who seek our father’s approval, feel weak, or mask our inferiority complexes with humor and narcissism. But beyond that, the characters are willing to be the butt of the joke.
Tony Stark blasted himself into the ceiling learning to fly while his robot sprayed him with an extinguisher. Thor was knocked out several times by being hit by a car, and even got a hypodermic needle in the ass mid-tough guy speech. Steve Rodgers was a scrawny, virgin, twerp who never learned to talk to women. Even in later flicks, Peter Quill is perpetually the butt of the joke. Steve Lang is constantly being mocked. Even T’Challa gets laughed at by his sister and his closest allies.
Carol Danvers doesn’t. She’s like a white-girl Vin Diesel who isn’t allowed to look foolish.
Think back on Wonder Woman. In DC’s first female led flick, Diana embodies power, poise, grace, and duty. But, she also has scenes of tenderness and humility. Remember laughing at her when she sees a baby? When she’s trying on dresses? Or when she marches out of the dress shop with a sword and shield? Funny stuff. Because the character was a fish out of water, there are moments when its okay to laugh at your protagonist. Because they kick so much butt later.
Image from Wonder Woman
Now maybe there’s a scene or two I’m forgetting which refutes these thoughts, and I’m willing to give the flick a second shot. But I think that by trying to make her a cinematic icon, they did a disservice by not allowing us to laugh at her, then cheer her later. I mean, even Rey got made fun of.
Image from Lucas Film/Disney
Another perfect example to illustrate my point in recent memory is Spider Man, Into the Spiderverse. The movie follows the standard superhero formula of newbie, incident, learning, falling, then succeeding. And Miles Morales is CONSTANTLY the butt of the joke. But, his story has style, flair, development, action, humor, and it will heart-punch you right in the feels. That’s why it beat Pixar for best animated movie in 2018, and why it will long be remembered when Captain Marvel is in the discount bin.
Image from Sony
I wondered if I was off base with my opinion of Captain Marvel. I am, after all, a white male (wocka wocka?). But once I started sifting through the reviews, I noticed a trend in the “left-leaning”/progressive websites. Some of them were not happy with the movie; seemingly upset that the movie was not what they had wanted it to be. On Metacritic, sites like Slate, Vox, Slant, The Guardian, Time, and the NY Post all had Captain Marvel in the 60% or below category. Some had titles like, “Finally, Women Have Their Own Mediocre Marvel Movie” (Slate), or “Captain Marvel Deserves a Better Movie” (Vox).
Ouch.
But they aren’t wrong. 60% is about where it falls for me. I think there was a lot of potential in the movie But IMO, the short development cycle to get it out before Avengers: Endgame hurt the movie.
But, these are just my opinions. If you like the movie, GREAT! Don’t let me, or anyone else, tell you otherwise. Like what you like, love what and who you love.
Live long and strong
~Gibby
Do We Need a Star Wars/Pulp Fiction Mash Up? Sure?
Image from Textual Tees.com
So I was looking through some of my old writing projects, scenes, and notes the other day and I came across the printed pages of this little “gem.” It’s something I wrote in 1999. I read it, laughed about how dumb I was, but thought, “hey . . . let’s share it”, especially since I’ve seen images online of Star War characters in Tarentino poses on T-shirts.
So I typed it up, did a little punch up, and added a couple of newer references. I present to you a 20 year old fever dream of a guy who apparently wanted to do sketch comedy writing.
Pulp Jedi
The Millennium Falcon flys through hyperspace blaring “Jungle Boogie”. Gangster scoundrels Han Vega and Jules Calrissian are in the cockpit.
Han Vega:
What's her name?
Jules Calrissian:
Leia Wallace.
Han Vega:
How did Marsellus Vader and her meet?
Jules Calrissan
I dunno, rumor is she’s his daughter? She usta be an princess from Alderran. Why you so interested in big man's wife?
Han Vega:
Well, Marsellus Vader is leavin' for Tatooine to take care of some business and when he's gone, he wants me to take care of Leia.
Jules Calrissian:
Take care of her? Making a blaster out of his finger and placing it to his head
Han Vega:
Not that! Take her out. Show her a good time.
Jules Calrissian:
You're gonna be takin' Leia Wallace out on a date?
Han Vega:
It ain't a date. It's just... you know... good company.
Jules Calrissian just looks at him.
Jules Calrissian:
Well you better careful. Last guy who did that got messed up.
Han Vega:
Who?
Jules Calrissian:
You remember the guy they called Jabba-Rocky Horror? Half black, Half Hutt?
Han Vega:
Yeah, the fat guy.
Jules Calrissian:
I wouldn’t go so far as to call the brother fat. I mean, he’s got a weight problem. But what’s the brother gonna do? He’s a Hutt. Point is, Marcellus Vader sent a couple of stormtroopers over to his crib on Coruscant and they threw his ass out of one of them tall ass skyscrapers. A passing speeder broke his fall, but since then, the brother’s developed something of a speech impediment.
Han Vega:
What Jabba do? Fuck her?
Jules Calrissian:
No, nothing that bad. He braided her hair up in fun buns.
Han Vega:
That’s it? Well, Jabba shoulda known better. Play with a thermal detonater, you’re gonna get hurt.
Jules Calrissian:
You don’t think Marcellus Vader over reacted? Motherfucker threw a guy off a building for braiding a girls hair. That ain’t right, messing with a brother’s speech and shit. Motherfucker does that to me, he better carbonite freeze my ass.
Han Vega:
I'm not sayin' he was right, but you're sayin' a fun-bun braid don't mean nothing, and I'm sayin' it does.I've given a million ladies a million fun-buns and they all meant somethin'. We act like they don't, but they do. That's what's so fuckin' cool about 'em. This sensual thing's goin' on that nobody's talkin about, but you know it and she knows it,fuckin' Marsellus Vader knew it, and Jabba shoulda known fuckin' better. That's his fuckin' daughter, man.
Jules Calrissian:
That's an interesting point
Han Vega turns around with his blaster in his hand to look at Greedo in the passenger spot behind him
Han Vega:
Hey Greedo, whaddya’ think? Did Marcellus Vader overreact?
Greedo:
Man, I don’t even have an opinion.
Han Vega:
You gotta have an opinion, I mean--
BLAM! Han’s blaster goes off
Jules Calrissian:
WHAT THE FUCK?!
Han Vega:
Oh, shit, I shot Greedo in the face.
Jules Calrissan:
Why the FUCK did you do that?
Han Vega:
It was a fuckin’ accident man! My blaster just went off. The Falcon musta hit an asteroid or something--
Jules Calrissian:
The Millennium Falcon didn’t hit no motherfuckin’ asteroid!
Han Vega:
Look man, I’m fuckin’ sorry--
Jules Calrissian:
Sorry ain’t gonna cut it motherfucker! We’re in Rebel Alliance controlled space. And Rebel patrols tend to notice things like, I don’t know, fucking Corellian Cruisers drenched in blood!
Han Vega:
What are you doing?
Jules Calrissian:
Messaging a friend. But if Yimmi’s ass ain’t home we’re in trouble.
A Blue hologram projection pop’s up
Hey, Yimmi, sorry man, but my partner got into a little bit of trouble and I need to use your swamp for a little bit.
-SCENE BREAK-
Tatooine - Deep in the basement of Mos Eisley Pawnshop, Watto is on the floor, bleeding, holding what remains of groin. Butch Kenobi, bloody and beaten, stands there, unsure of himself, a blue lightsaber ignited. Beside him, Marcellus Vader stands, his pants around his ankles after being repeatedly violated. Marcellus Vader’s hand is extended in a gripping motion and Watto is choking.
Butch Kenobi
You okay?
Marcellus Vader
Naw man. I'm pretty fuckin' far from okay
Butch Kenobi:
So, what now
Marcellus Vader
What now? Well let me tell you what now. I'm gonna call a couple pipe-hittin' storm troopers, who'll go to work on junk dealer here with a trash compacter and a Cloud City scan grid zap-rack. Hear me talkin' Toydarian?! I ain't through with you by a damn sight. I'm gonna git Dark Side on your ass.
Butch Kenobi
I meant what now, between me and you?
Marcellus Vader:
Oh, that? Well, let me tell ya what now between me an' you. There is no me an' you. Not no more.
Butch Kenobi:
So we're cool? Even after . . . you know . . . the lava thing
Marcellus Vader:
Yeah man, we're cool. You had the high ground and I didn’t listen. Go on now, get your ass outta here. *His comm device rings* Hello? What’s the problem? I have my own shit I’m dealing with at the moment, but I’ll send you the Fett.
-SCENE BREAK-
The Millennium Falcon is parked outside a swamp in Degobah. Jules Calrissian and Han Vega are inside the earthen home of Yimmi enjoying a bowl of stew while Yimmi in his robe and cane, looks on unhappy.
Jules Calrissian:
Damn Yimmi, is this stew homemade? Man, me and Han thought we were gonna have some freeze dried stew, and here you are breaking out the gourmet shit--
Yimmi:
Know how good my stew is. Fucking made it, I did. When stew Luke makes, taste like shit, it does. But stew concerns me not. Dead bounty hunter in my swamp, it is. Sign in my swamp, did you see, that read “Dead Bounty Hunter Storage”?
Jules Calrissain:
C’mon Ymmi, you know I didn’t see no sign that--
Yimmi:
Sign. See you. That read. “Dead Bounty Hunter Storage?”
Jules Calrissain:
No
Yimmi:
Know why? BECAUSE STORAGE OF DEAD BOUNTY HUNTERS MY FUCKING BUSINESS IT IS NOT! Call people you must? Then do or do not. But if Luke comes home, finds dead bounty hunter in swamp, then leave me he will. No trial separation will I have, no. Straight to dark side, I go.
Knock at the door, opened by Yimmi.
Winston Fett:
I’m Winston Fett, I solve problems. Okay, what you’re going to need to do is to do is take cleaning products and clean the inside of the ship. And I'm talkin' Kessle Run fast. You need to go in the backseat, scoop up all those little pieces of Rodarian brain and skull. Take care of are the really messy parts. The pools of blood that have collected, you gotta soak that shit up. Now Yimmi, we need to raid your closet. I need old Jedi robes, the darker the better.I’m sure you have a bunch laying around after Order 66. And no whites, can't use 'em. We need to camouflage the interior of the ship. We're gonna line the cockpit with robes. If a rebel ship stops us and starts scanning, the subterfuge won't last. But at a glance, the ship will appear to to simply be covered in Mynock saliva. Okay, get to work.
Han Vega:
A please would be nice
Winston Fett:
Come again?
Han Vega:
I said a please would be nice
Winston Fett:
I’f I’m curt, it is because time is of the essence. So, pretty please, with sugar on top, go clean the fuckin’ Millenium Falcon.
-OUTSIDE in the ship-
Jules Calrissian:
This is some fucked up, repugnant shit.
Han Vega:
I already apologized. Did you ever hear the philosophy of The Force that once a man admits he's wrong, he's immediately forgiven for all wrong-doings?
Jules Calrissian:
Whoever said that never had to pick up itty-bitty pieces of skull with his fingers on account of your dumb ass.
Han Vega:
I’ve got a threshold for abuse and you’re crossing it. I’m a speeder bike Jules, and I’m in the red. And it’s not wise to push a speeder when it’s in the red.
Jules Calrissian:
Oh you’re in the red?
Han Vega:
Yeah
Jules Calrissian:
Well I’m a DEATH STAR PLANET BLASTIN’ MOTHERFUCKER, motherfucker! Every time my hands touch brain I’m a red kyber crystal lightsaber that will cut you open like a motherfuckin’ Taun-Taun. In fact, what the fuck am I doing in the back? You’re the motherfucker who should be on brain detail. We’re trading places!
. . . Coming soon, Reservoir Wookies (??)
Political Picks and Pics -or- Pay Attention to My “Uniqueness!”
The 2018 midterm election is over. And as in all previous voting cycles, Democracy was once again put into action. The people came forth and cast their voices to elect the leaders they wanted. There are cries of rejoicing for some, wails of anguish for others. But through it all, voters across this land made a statement in a clear and united voice. And that statement was:
“Hey world! Look at my fucking ‘I Voted’ selfie!”
Through the entire election process leading up to November 6th, social media feeds and click bait sites were flooded with images of normal people and celebrities proud to share that they took part in their civic duty and voted. News sites asked for pics of humble folk sharing their images with the “I Voted” sticker, and that was cool. But as the time went on, the images became more . . . unique. More . . . artistic.
More insufferable.
I don’t know if it was peer pressure, of FOMO, but post after post, pic after pic, an image-based arms race was conducted. An “I Voted” escalation. Who could be cuter in their selfie? More ingenious? Who could be more quirky? Which filter should be used to express self-satisfaction?
It seemed that the images went from a simple reminder to others to take part in their responsibility and instead became a statement unto itself. A statement which seemed like *gasp* that the picture that was shared was almost more important than the actual vote cast.
Sure, this sounds like a complaint. And in truth, it is and it isn’t. Voting is, as said before, a civic duty. A responsibility. But one that isn’t enforced. And bluntly, it sucks that more people don’t take it seriously. It’s through grassroots movements, peer discussion, and social pressure that we can effect the change we want while also encouraging others to cast their vote.
That being said, with only an estimated 48.1% of eligible voters voting this 2018, perhaps people spent more time selecting the right photo to post than actually encouraging others? (Don’t look at me like that. You know damn well some of you--and definitely several celebrities--took a ton of pics on your phone and scrolled through them to choose the right one. And reposting an article from your favored echo chamber on FB, Twitter, or Instagram doesn’t count as encouragement.)
It’s no secret that voting in America is a contentious issue. We are a polarized people with polarizing “leaders,” which is evident in our recent elections. Voter turnout dipped from 62.3 percent of eligible citizens voting in 2008 to an estimated 57.5 in 2012. Only 36.4 percent of eligible voters turned out in 2014. 138 million Americans voted in the 2016 presidential election, and said voters only made up 58.7% of our voting-eligible population (estimated 235.2M eligible voters).
So, when you look at it that way, the approx 62.9M Americans that voted for Trump represented only approximately 27% of the country. So a little over one quarter of the eligible voters selected our president. (Or if you take in the total population of 2016, 323M Americans, 19.4% of the people chose the president.)
So yes, I’m being a bit of a curmudgeon about people’s “I Voted!” pics. Mostly because I don’t think they do anything other than self-aggrandize while subtly casting shame on others. And the one thing in this socio-political landscape in which we live which I find to be true is that shaming, blaming, and finger pointing does nothing but draw the battle lines deeper and keeps things like tolerance, understanding, and unity from happening.
But hey, what the fuck do I know? I’m just a dumb SFF writer. And this is just my reactionary opinion to a pretty non-issue issue. So forgive my meandering grouchiness.
But I do know there are images like this, which make me nod in approval and have hope.
And pics like this, which make me want to quit voting all together.
